#unwritten

2016's been exciting so far to say the least. As I'm writing this I'm waiting to board my plane en route to Switzerland. My mom and I are about to embark on a little European adventure, just us girls. I feel so blessed to have the time and the means to travel like this right now and take three weeks to literally get away and get soaked in an entirely different world. I've been wanting to immerse myself in Europe for such a long time now and to be able to do so for an extended period of time gets me so pumped. We'll be making a loop starting in Switzerland, passing through France, then to Germany, then closing out the trip in Austria and hopefully doing a few day trips to neighboring countries in between.

I'll be blogging photos and memories from each city we stop in so feel free to follow along on my journey with me. As the year unfolds (can you believe it's mid February already?), I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what my hopes are for it personally as well as for you the reader. I'm currently working on a revamp, hence the new domain (officially all mine!) as well as the new look and feel. My main goal is to inspire you and myself. I think that term is thrown around so loosely that we tend to roll our eyes and often forget what inspiration even really means.

That brings me back to why my blog is called "undefined & unrestrained." I want to inspire myself and you who might have happened to stumble on my blog to BE you and DO you. Every. Day. One thing that really makes me tick when it comes to social media and this new phase of technology advancement that we're in is the amount of comparison that brings along with it. Most notably for women but definitely for men too. For myself personally, seeing others' coming and goings, endeavors, and various life milestones has been a wonderful thing thanks to social media. However, let's not to ourselves. I think we can all recall a time where it's made you stop and think. "Should I be doing this too?" "Am I not on the right timeline?" "Am I supposed to be going down this career path to fit in with the rest of my demographic?". These questions can be suffocating. They can cause anxiety and ultimately steal your joy. One thing I yearn to encourage you with (and myself since this is much easier said than done on a daily basis) is to embrace the undefined. To live a life that's beautifully unrestrained. To allow the adventures and fleeting moments of passion that you are seeking to fully engulf you. Not what you see on Instagram that makes you get down on yourself for not having X amount of likes or followers.

In this next chapter of my life which is one that is TRULY undefined since I have no clue what's next I am doing just that in embracing the unknown. I have this newfound excitement for what is to come and a new patience, if you will, for taking each day as it comes and finding the small pleasures that each day brings; instead of trying to skip steps and follow this established timeline that the media or our peers have set before us.

I encourage you to tear up that timeline you have written down, physically or in your mind. Find the joy in being yourself and doing what makes you happy. You might be the only one doing X but that's what you're passionate about, do it. For instance, there were times when I thought at my age it's too late to think about taking an extended trip. What about my timeline? Job? What about what my life is "supposed" to look like right now? And then it just hit me. Throw those questions out the window. Take a deep breath and look outside. We're so surrounded by a beautfiul world that is begging to be discovered. Whether that looks like taking time off to travel or quitting your job to pursue a hobby that's become a passion... if that's what drives you, do it. Because at the end of the day, all of us simply want contentment. I've realized even the richest people in the world can be the most depressed. Yeah, we've all heard this but really let it sink in.

And maybe you haven't figured it out yet. Those passions, that calling. Trust me, I haven't. But instead of stressing out (my usual M.O.) I'm finally learning to roll with it and embrace the undefined. Not to end on the cheesiest of all notes but as Natasha Bedingfield so perfectly puts it, "The rest is still unwritten..." -- I'm finally grasping the beauty in that lyric. As someone who has thrived on living a life where my next step/ direction was always sort of laid out before me, I'm starting to slowly get it now and accept the beauty in the unknown. 

With that, I hope some sort of spark has been lit for you. Thanks for following along my journey as I chase what's next. 

#sfdigs

I think it's safe to say it's finally time for an update from the Tiger's Den. (Yes, I named my apartment -- because, why not?). It's been almost six months now and the details are all slowly coming together. There's still a lot I want to add to fine-tune my vision, but lets be real, this get expensive! The great thing is that I was able to find a lot of my accent pieces from Target (Nate Berkus collection for the win!). Everything else is things I had from home or from when I was in college. I think the only thing I splurged on was my Anthropologie comforter.  Other than that, my accent wall is in still in progress but I'm so pleased with the first four pieces that came together. Not to mention the people some of them came from!

Flower print taken by one of my biggest inspirations, Delbarr Moradi //"Let's Stay Home" off Etsy -- probably my favorite piece in my room so far. Describes me to the T  // (Thank you, Elms, for the find).

Breaking Bad vintage wall art from Vietnam via my soul sister

#wheninvegas (AKA: The Time I Kissed a Backstreet Boy)

Sometimes in life, the spontaneous decisions end up being the most memorable. I'm not talking about going out on a whim and doing something stupid without any wisdom (i.e. the YOLO mentality that so many teens have today), BUT sometimes a little adventure with wisdom is worth it all.

It all started when I went to go see the Backstreet Boys reunion tour this May. I've been a huge fan of them since I was like 7 yeas old, and I even went to see their reunion tour (the one without Kevin *tear* back in 2009). It just didn't do me justice. As soon as I heard they were coming back -- WITH Kevin -- I knew it would be epic. To put it simply, the show was amazing. Everything I could have hoped for. But for some reason it wasn't enough. At the end of the concert as we were leaving we saw this sign for an after party with the boys for $75. I think we were all so out of it/ tired/ on a high from the show that none of us really made a proactive decision to go to the party. The day passed, I go back to work; back to reality. For some reason that Tuesday at work I just had an itch. I wasn't done and wanted more BSB (cue my inner jr high fanatic, but that's what I felt!). Anyways, I randomly decided to check their tour dates that were still to come. Lo and behold, they were headed to Vegas for a show Friday and Saturday night. Mind you, I had never been to Vegas either and it was kind of like the stars just aligned -- I. Had. To. Go. Hand shaking, I took out my phone and texted a few of my girls to see if anyone would even be remotely down to join me on this adventure. After a few "are you crazy's?!" one of my really close friends texted back with a simple "YES." And the rest is history.

My friend Sep and I embarked on this entire fiasco, staying up til 1am that Tuesday night, booking tickets/ picking hotels/ dying of laughter at our spontaneity. Friday couldn't come any faster, but as soon as I got out of work that evening, it was on. We flew out and the plane ride itself was the beginning of a story that seems like it was almost out of a movie.

We ended up upgrading our seats a few rows so we moved up quite a bit. As soon as the plane was about to take off this woman comes rushing in, trying to catch the flight. As she's catching her breath she realizes her seat's been taken (right across us). Funny enough, the seat next to me was empty so she takes it. We don't talk the entire flight but as soon as we were landing, I peered out the window and was admiring the lights on the Strip. She asks, "Oh is this your first time in Vegas or something?" And I replied and told her surprisingly it was. She proceeded to ask if we were going to see any shows while there and I said, "Yeah, don't judge us but we're actually here to see the Backstreet Boys tomorrow night." She laughed and said, "Wow same here. I actually was just at their other show in the Bay Area last weekend too." Right then, Sep and I knew we had found a friend. Another believer, if you will ;) We went on to have a little bonding sesh and then found out the good stuff -- drumroll please -- she ended up being best friends with the Backstreet Boys' head of security. The second she said that I was like, ok this is it. We have to make something happen right now. Sadly she didn't offer any backstage access or a chance to get in the concert for free or any of my other fantasies so I gave up. We get off the plane, head out, and that's that. Suddenly, she asks us if we want to share a cab since our hotels were so close. We said sure and get in the cab. During the drive I noticed her texting a LOT. As soon as we were about to arrive at her stop, she turns to us and says, "What are both of your full names?" *Cue stars in eyes.* She goes on to say, "It's your first time in Vegas, I want to make it memorable — I'm getting you meet and greet passes to their after party tonight.

I kid you not, we were both like kids on Christmas morning, shocked with no words to express our joy. As soon as she got out of the cab and left, I started screaming like a true 11 year old girl. Our driver got back in the car and had to ask if everything was ok. LOL. We were beyond giddy. Now mind you, we had bought tickets to their concert and after party for Saturday night but this was Friday. So it wasn't even on our agenda but we just went with it. (In addition, we didn't even have a meet and greet ticket, just access to the party party, which we both had no idea what it would entail).

Even more funny, we come to realize that this after party is being held in our hotel. The hotel we randomly decided to pick out at 1am a few nights before. We check in around 11pm, get ready in a hurry, and rush over to the club. The line was out into the casino floor, but we went up with confidence and poise. In that moment I felt like true VIP royalty. As soon as we mentioned our connection's full name (after a minor glitch), it was like we were Obama and the First Lady. They opened up the velvet ropes, gave us every VIP/ backstage ticket possible and led us up the stairs through the elevator to the roof of the club.

And then it happened -- we met the boys. They walked in and for a second it almost felt like just seeing your friend out at a club and reconnecting. They were so friendly and down to earth that it seriously felt like we knew them. In that moment all I could ask myself was, "Ok what do you say to BSB?" And we just walked up to them as if they were our best friends -- "Hey guys!" -- to which I was greeted back with a "Hello beautiful" from Howie D. We took our photos, had a few moments with them (which of course, I couldn't contain myself long enough and blurted out a "I've been in love with you since I was 8" to Kevin).

The crazy thing was, maybe 2-3 people after us, they decided to shut down the photo taking since it was taking too long. The line still had maybe 50+ people in it. Again, divine favor or WHAT?! From that point on, the guys were literally partying with us in the club. We stayed out until 3am, watched Nick Carter DJ, and danced the night away. Which of course included following them around til we got a selfie with each and every one of them. And of course, I went in for the kiss with Kevin. Mind you, interesting point to note is that I was actually air kissing him but he leaned in for complete contact. [I can die happy.] It was epic to say the least.

We were on cloud 9. And this was only night one. Way to enter Vegas with a bang right? The rest of our trip consisted of hotel admiring, walking, pool lounging, eating, napping, and even me reuniting with a really good friend that I hadn't seen in ten years since our 8th grade graduation. It was perfect. The next night we went to the concert which was almost even better than the first one I went to. YET AGAIN, our lives were made when AJ decided to run off stage during one of their songs and run into the audience. Which row does he run to? Of course us. We were two away from the aisle too so he legit was in our faces, singing .. and holding the girl next to me. Like, I couldn't write this if I tried -- it was so so meant to be for us. And I'll leave it at that.

Finally, the last part of the whole trip -- which makes the above occurrences so much more worthwhile was when it was time to head to the after party (this was the one we actually had tickets for). We ended up making a stop at another club before the party, thinking it would be fine since the night before they strolled in around 1am. Long story short, we get back to the after party and see a pretty empty club. Barely any action and a slump in the all-around mood. We find out - they came for ~20 minutes, took a few photos, and left because it was their "mellow night" and they were tired of partying from the night before. No Nick DJing, no selfies with AJ, no kissies with Kevin. Imagine our dismay. Here we were, so confident from the night before, ready for part 2 with our boys -- and they were gone! All of these girls who had tickets to the after party were standing there in disappointment. I was on the edge of tears but kept telling myself, "Wait. Last night happened to you. Remember that."

And with that, we realized how kindred our decision to take this trip was. Everything that happened from start to finish was golden. It will seriously be an experience I treasure for a lifetime with a friend that was the perfect travel partner. In a sense it brought us even closer to share a memory like this together. It was seriously perfect. And while I'm pissed I had paid for a ticket to a party when they barely even showed up, the spontaneous memory I hold of how Friday night went down is probably one of the best moments I have to cherish. And makes for an epic story too, right?

The cherry on top of all of it was the way my cousin put it, "Imagine if you told 8 year old Naseem that this would happen to her one day." And that kind of just let it all sink in. As sad as one might think it seems, it truly was a "dream come true" in a sense. I wouldn't trade it for anything :) :)

#juicing -- the reality behind the hype

 

So last week I gave in to the hype and did a juice cleanse. I don't know what it was but everywhere around me the media is throwing the "health benefits" of juicing in your face. Add to that the pretty packaging of these $12 juices and you've got thousands of young women everywhere who are throwing their money to try a one or three-day cleanse. I personally chose to do the one day cleanse, mostly because I knew that I probably couldn't handle more than a day and also because I wasn't in that driven of a mood to go all out and starve myself for half a week. Here's the skinny: I. Felt. No. Different.

I'm not sure how much of cleansing becomes placebo because you're already in the mentality of detoxing and cleaning out your system, but to be honest I really felt no different. During the day, there were certain points where I felt lighter but only because I wasn't left with that "full" feeling after a meal. However, that feeling only lasts half an hour or so after a meal anyway -- you go walk it off, you go to the bathroom, whatever you gotta do. If anything I feel like it's sad that I practically starved myself for a day when  I could have been eating clean just to "detox" and try to shed some water weight. Not to mention the fruits and veggies pretty much lose all their fiber-value when you juice them.

I don't want to be completely negative about the experience because while nothing amazing happened -- nothing terrible happened either. I actually did the cleanse with two other co-workers. One of whom cleanses pretty regularly and LOVES it. The other was a guy and this was his first time doing it. He felt miserable to say the least. Even the next day at work he said he was exhausted. I felt bad for him because I wasn't dying by any extent, but I simply didn't feel much of anything. A lot of people might argue that you have to juice for 3 days minimum or a week to see results, but then I'm curious to ask what results are we searching for?

A friend posed his speculation really interestingly to me. He was telling me that there is no scientific proof currently about the nutritional value of a juice cleanse. He was reminding me how long certain medicines, herbs, and supplements take to become FDA-approved and for their health benefits to be tested and proven. He said, "what makes what you're doing different than me telling you to simply eat lettuce for 3 days straight?" That really opened my eyes to a different aspect of the whole fitness craze in general. I think as a society, girls especially, we're so antsy for the next big quick fix. And as soon as a craze hits the market we have to jump on the band wagon and try it out. (I'm guilty of it too, the sole reason I did this was to see what all the hype was about). But really, it's kind of sickening when you think about it. Aside from even "I want to lose weight" or "I want to clean out my system" -- what is it with us latching onto what society throws at us like leeches? I was depriving myself of food  that could have provided me with excellent nutritional value to drink 8 juices over 24 hours just because I was TOLD this is what's healthy right now.

My entire point with this post was to simply share my findings after trying the cleanse and remaining completely unbiased. To be truthful, I hoping to come out of it the next morning and feel AMAZING -- rejuvenated, energized, fulfilled, and lighter. I felt good but no different. In fact I kept asking myself, "So when am I going to feel something?" Again, I could definitely chalk it up to only doing it for a day but it's just so sad that all these businesses who are charging $65+ a day for a pack of juices are eating away at our wallets and we're so quick to believe them and jump right in. It's simple: want to change your health habits and eat healthier? Cut out the junk and start exercising. Nothing extreme about it. And trust me the results appear sooner than you might think. Anyways, enough soap box. But I had to share.

I challenge you to think the next time you're about to allow yourself to get influenced into something. The media is smart and it's scary. It's in a constant attempt to get us all to look the same, eat the same, talk the same, and think the same. Don't conform.

#change

Yes, it's definitely been a minute since my last post. I'm slowly coming up on three months officially living in the city. Can't express enough how this has truly been one of the best decisions I ever made. I feel so much growth within the last few months and so much of an internal thirst for more. I'm slowly starting to ask myself the hard questions, like what it is I like, who I want to be around, the people I choose to invest in, the things I spend my time doing, etc. The more and more I work, the more I realize how precious our time is. So much of the week is automatically given away to working so when it comes to time off and the weekends, that's when I've really been focused on making my time count.

Living in the city on my own, I've had the perfect balance of feeding both my introvert side & my extravert side. It's funny how much we can change as we grow older, and now being in my mid-20's I can safely safe I've shifted into a 50/50 split of the two personality types. Being here, sometimes I just have those days where I'll take a walk to the Marina by myself and just sit out by the water and soak it all in. Or walking on the way home and people watching down Fillmore St. and seeing how much life goes on all around me. Aside from that, it's been so good to invest time in friends who I don't get to see as much. It's funny, when I was still living fully at home with the parents I wouldn't see a lot of my friends that often who lived maybe 10-15 min away (I think it's just taking it for granted that you live so close and then life gets busy).. but after moving up, I ended up seeing some of these people even more than I did when I was living at home. You almost make more of an effort because life does get so chaotic. It feels really good to have those friendships that stick out like that... people actually caring to invest themselves in your life and ask about your day to day and keep up with it. That effort goes such a long way, and as humans, we're bound to get moved by the reciprocation -- after all, that's what we're after. There are some people in my life in this past year alone that have made an everlasting mark because of how supportive they were through some of the toughest times. These are friends that weren't necessary the ones I happened to grow up with my whole life or ones that I happen to do life with on the daily -- some were even friends of friends who I happened to click with in an instant. Just seeing the mark those people made on my life as I look back a year ago til today, I am nothing but thankful. It's taught me a lesson in being open to change. Being open to getting to know anyone, regardless of how different you might think the two of you might be on the outside based on surface circumstances like your age or walk of life.

I think the hardest topic for me to think/write about (aside from life passions and what I really want to do with my life -- which we shall leave for another blog post for the sake of my sanity, hehe), is change. Change in the smallest sense like my favorite TV show changing its theme song after a season or two (here's looking at you Felicity and One Tree Hill), or change in the larger sense like not being as close with people you once did life with. Lately one of the things I've been pondering about has been the change I've seen in my social circles. Sometimes it feels like I live two lives. Not in the sense of living a double life or anything like that, but living in two cities, having two rooms, a work life, a family life, a set of friends here, one there -- it's all been so non-linear that it's interesting. For lack of a better word. And yet even alongside the busyness and action-packed life I lead, there are times when I've sat and questioned "where do I belong?" I think growing up with the social groups that are a norm for our society today leads to this type of questioning. We grow up and head off to these institutions like middle school/ high school/ church/ the soccer team, and we're immediately told to start making friends and forming groups. For me especially, I always always had a big group of friends surrounding me. More often than that, these were obviously people who had a ton in common with me and were headed in the same direction for the most part. However, as we grow older, I've realized that this is where the change kicks in like a bitter pill to swallow. We all have that deciding moment to figure out what it is we want for ourselves. Where we want to go, who we want to be. We start asking all these questions surrounding our identity. From college to now (and esp. now), I've had the change kick in the most. It saddens me that I am such a nostalgic person because I notice  how much this kind of stuff effects me more than those around me. Sometimes it's so hard to even express how I feel because I don't think others would even get it. But I get so nostalgic for the old times that it definitely hurts. I miss my old group of friends. I miss the people I grew up with and did 10+ years of my life with.

People who would say they consider you "family" or a "sister." It's funny because now at 24, almost 25, I realize how loosely we throw around words like that. And it's so sad because it cheapens the value of words like that so much. One second it's this clique we consider our bffs/ family and then a year later we aren't even talking to that person and moved on to the next clique. It's really allowed my eyes to be opened to the fact that as life changes and we grow up, we begin to find that sometimes we don't even need a group anymore. We need that one, two, or three constants who are always going to be there and have made it clear that they're not going anywhere. Sure, everyone wants to have that TV glamorized clique of friends like how the Kardashian sisters make it seem or the girls on Laguna Beach, but lets be real, this isn't reality TV -- this is reality.

I've finally started to slowly start losing my grip on holding so tightly to the past. Yes, the memories will always remain and always be epic to look back on. And yes, if I could, I would repeat those instances in a second because of how joyful they made me. But am I going to keep missing out on the present because I'm holding onto missing the past? No. Not anymore. I've realized I'm done trying to control things as much as I have in the past. I came across this amazing quote that says,

"If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth."

 So powerful. And at the end of the day, the hard part of this quote to walk away with is the truth in that not everyone will know our worth. People will always disappoint. That's why we can't put our worth in people alone or even let them have that control. So I'll end with this and bring it full circle. Thanks to good old Socrates for putting the secret to change so perfectly. We need to stop living in the past and holding on so tightly to what's already changed. Yes, people may leave, people may change, situations can totally erupt, explode, or implode. But the key is focusing on building the present and the future. 

I never want to miss out on the beauty that is to come in my life. I am so blessed to have the people in my life who are in it right now and who have made a lasting mark, especially in such a season of change (har har) for me. I may not have that clique anymore like the kids in high school or those girls you grew up with, because lets be real we're all in different chapters at the moment. But having the few who have made it known they're here to stay has been so comforting. And even bigger than that, this has all taught me so much about independence and finding myself apart from people. I don't think that it's any accident at all that I'm in the spot where I am. I know God knows what He's doing and I trust in that. The changes are good and they're going to bear so much fruit in the long run. I just needed to shift my perspective. And I'm finally ready to let go and move forward with a new set of eyes now. <3

#speakup

I think it's good to sometimes take a breather from the day to day and focus on the little things that make us happy. I've been thinking a lot lately about how consumerism has had such a hand in changing the socioeconomic status of our present day and age. There seems to be no work/life balance at the office — instead, it's looked down upon if you want to leave work early to go spend time your family. We're forced into this bubble of conforming to what's considered the "norm" and we stay silent and simply, "go with the flow." Why? It weirds me out that we're so often too timid to question the societal norms that are already in place. We justify it by seeing that everyone else is going along with it and no one's complaining so hey, looks like we're all on board. When in reality how many people are actually feeling the same way I do inside but no one's bold enough to voice it? Not sure where I'm going with this but woke up this morning with a deep frustration for the intimidation/ fear traps we box ourselves into.

Cool segway into the new music I'm listening to because ironically enough, the album I'm most excited about this fall is M.I.A.'s "Mathangi." Call her what you will (and I do admit she can go way over the top sometimes), but one reason I respect this artist SO much is that she isn't afraid to speak her mind. In the midst of a media culture that's entrapped in the "twerking culture" and hoping to get 5 min of fame by performing like a stripper at an awards show (Miley, here's looking at you), this girl is standing firm for what she believes in and calling out society for exactly what it is. It's funny because when I started listening to her back in 2005 I was a freshman in high school. I can't begin to say how much she's opened my eyes to since then. It's funny because for some all it takes is something small to do so. And for me, it was the amazing music of this talented artist who not only mixed some of the most unique sounds -- but also sang about something ACTUALLY important.

Sometimes it's only 1 line from her songs that challenges me for an entire day to stop and think:

"Your shoes could feed a village; you should think about that."

I feel bad for people who even waste their time sucked into the music on the radio these days because the value of the lyrics they're listening to is quite frankly, garbage. [And hey, guilty as charged, I'm the last to talk because I'm sucked into it daily as well -- it's literally like a web you can't get out of. And half the time we're completely dazed as to how/why we even got there in the first place].

Of course, in no way am I saying we should buy into every conspiracy theory out there or become an anarchist by any means; those are way too extreme. What I AM saying is we should be challenged to do our own research daily and call things out when they need to be. Not sure where you stand politically? Do your research. Not sure if you agree with a certain war or why we're forming alliances w/ said nation -- research. Don't just go with the flow of what the media tells you is appropriate to believe. After all, the media is at the top of the hierarchical pyramid of institutions that are more censored and more biased than you would EVER think.

Not sure why I got on this rant and it's random of me to even go this deep into it on a random Wednesday morning, but hey, gotta keep it true. Once I start writing it just flows out like floodgates.

Happy hump day. Oh, and look for MIA's album released in early November :) meanwhile, half the track list has been leaked via soundcloud so take a listen.

#BrBa Season 5B, Episode 3: "Confessions"

Now that we've all had a chance to digest Sunday night (Breaking Bad as well as the twerking of child star Miley Cyrus), lets look back and analyze the sheer goodness of yet another installment of Breaking Bad.

By now I'm sure we've all realized that each episode title relates directly to a major (or minor) plot point of said episode. I actually had a moment of thinking, "how obvious... 'Confessions' why don't they do something more incognito?" Little did I know. How dare I question Vince Gilligan! Where most of us thought this week would center around Jesse's confession to Hank, we were thrown for what has arguably been the best loophole of the entire series. Walt has now penned the ENTIRE series on Hank. From the drive by ride-along in the first season to the punch delivered last week -- everything has intricately fallen into place to form the perfect puzzle; in Walt's favor. It makes me wonder if this was a plan B Walt had from the beginning in case things fell apart... Or if he's simply that smart that he thought of this under pressure. I think what creeps me out most is Skyler being so passive and ok with all this. After all, just last week Walt was telling Saul that "Hank is family" and no one touches their family. Then this week -- it's clear that all he cares about now is his immediate family. Oh how things change. The scene with Hank and Marie watching the video confession was so chilling. One of the things I love most about this show is how strongly emotion is conveyed through each of these actors when words aren't spoken. The fear and shock in them both was so believable and so eerie.

Although I agree with Hank that this is just a threat, I don't doubt for a second that Walt would have any hesitation in making this go viral if it came down to it.

Moving on, the gem of the series -- Jesse. I realized yesterday that I always tend to root for/ feel for this exact type of character. I had an epiphany yesterday and realized how similar Jesse is to Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye (my favorite book). Both characters who have lost hope yet are still desperately in search for a lingering silver lining of hope to hold onto. Masking their vulnerability by anger, being stand-offish, and pretending they don't care. I desperately want to root for these characters to win and find the happiness they're seeking.

With Jesse, this episode we see that sense of hope shine through for merely a second with the news of starting fresh and moving to Alaska (random). Finally, after being pretty much mute this entire season, his face lights up with the chance to start over and put his past behind him. I thought that the scene in the desert was one of the most moving scenes in the entire series so far. From the beginning, I've loved this unique bond between Jesse & Walt, especially the father-son role that composes the entirety of their relationship. I don't think we've ever even seen the two of them hug until this episode. They've had many episodes where they seem like they're about to hug but then go for the hand shake. But all in all, this was a long time coming.

I still can't decide if I think that Walt was genuine in his embrace or if it was just like a sympathy act, kind of saying, "yeah Jesse you're right, I'm sorry it's come down to this but I would definitely have to kill you if you don't leave town." One thing I wish there was more of this season was communication. Especially in this scene I was literally yelling at my tv because I wanted them to TALK more. Just like Jesse was yelling at Walt for answers, I wanted something out of him (in addition to the hug of course). Ugh. But the hug itself spoke volumes and I think that was the biggest sigh of relief for Jesse to finally get everything out and just sob.

Too bad that moment lasted for 2 minutes. They didn't waste any time in shifting gears completely and getting into the ricin realization. I won't go into detail about how Jesse found out/ the timeline of events -- there are plenty of other blog posts outlining the details -- but what I do want to touch on is the insane 180 we see in Jesse. He literally went from catatonic to blind rage in the matter of one episode. We see him barely saying a word to Hank at his office to sheer anger as he crashes into Walt's mailbox and goes rabid dog on us with the gasoline. Spoiler alert - don't think it's an accident that next week's episode is titled "Rabid Dog."

What makes me sad is that the little amicable father/ son moment between Walt and Jesse was so short lived. I know I know, the majority HATES Walt at this point, but I don't know why I still have a glimmer of hope for him. And I want to believe that he DOES truly care about Jesse. After all, Jesse has been more of a son to him than Walt Jr. Jesse knows him in a way that Jr. will never. I guess that can be seen as a bad thing though.

I'm so nervous for what is to come. Only 5 more hours of this journey left. I'm seriously so scared that Jesse is going to get killed in the next few. Crossing my fingers that he comes out victorious. We know from the season premiere that Walt's house definitely isn't burned down. Yes, it's trashed, but definitely not burned. So what happens with this gasoline debacle?

Interesting note to add on as well... Even though Jesse knows (pretty much) at this point that Walt killed Mike, he still didn't rat him out to Hank. He even still let Walt embrace him! But now that he's found out about Brock... Is he going to run straight to Hank and take his side? Or is this all anger and there's still a sense of partnership between the two? Most blogs I've read have lost all hope for peace between the two of them but I'm just latching on until the last minute. Another thing I wonder is if Jesse will have any sense of understanding if Walt does explain the Brock situation to him, after all, it really wasn't the ricin -- it was lily of the valley.

Not sure if this show has just done a good job of manipulating me or if I'm crazy (or both) but I still justify both Jane & Brock in my head. Like I expect Jesse to understand. Both times, Walt was trying to get Jesse back. First time, he was trying to save Jesse from dying and becoming a heroin addict. Sure, Jane's threat about turning him in probably added to it, but I know for a fact Walt had so much love for Jesse and his well-being especially in season 2. So I don't doubt he was genuine there for a second.

With Brock, yes he lied to Jesse and yes he poisoned a child. It's wrong, it's immoral. But he did so knowing how much to give him so he wouldn't die and only to get Jesse back on his side (when he was clearly in the process of becoming Gus' protégé. No one wants that. So I don't know dude.... But I see the justification in both those scenarios. Even though then I look at it the other way and see Walt's selfishness in all this.

See! That's what the creators do best. We as the audience are in this moral dilemma. Rooting for the bad guy or wanting him dead. I seriously think that we all still have a shred of desire for Walt to come out on top in the end. Even though he's gone off the deep end... Maybe for me it's just hoping he can be saved and come back down to reality and redeem himself for all this.

Doesn't look like it but here's hoping. Only 5 more weeks. This is going to FLY by. What's going to happen with Todd? The Nazi uncle? Lydia? Will Hank come up with a plan? Is Jesse going to be ok??

GAH. Ok enough stress for one morning. Until next time.

-- "How about that guacamole?"

#loneliness

I watched this amazing video this morning and I suggest anyone who has 3 minutes to spare give it a peek: [vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/70534716 w=500&h=281]

It's fittingly titled, "The Innovation of Loneliness" -- a three minute speech by the talened Shimi Cohen who designed the graphics of the video as well as narration.

Loneliness has been a topic I've always been interested in exploring. Partially because I think it's part of the human condition. The video beautifully illustrates how our current generation adheres so strongly to the belief that the more connected we are, the more happy we will be -- and ultimately, the less lonely. The facts denote that a human being usually maintains a social circle up to 150 people. It's almost impossible to maintain deep ties with any number more than that for the average person. When I think about that number I'm actually pretty shocked -- 150 people is a LOT. In fact, with a stat like that it's almost humorous that we see so many people suffering from loneliness with a supposed social circle that high in number.

The reason? Quantity over quality. We're so busy chasing after this fantasy of a million likes, tags, comments, friend requests, and connections that our entire purpose becomes finding an identity within this world of "tech affirmation" which I like to call it. I won't even call out just the younger teens for doing this because it's seriously an issue even among young adults. We're yearning to create this identity for ourselves based on the affirmation we get over the web. Daily it's a scramble to check Instagram to make sure our "selfie" got 50+ likes or that our status update is being approved by the rest of our social network. If not, we're quick to feel self conscious, inferior -- so much so that some even go to the extreme of deleting something because of fear of rejection (guilty as charged).  It's honestly sickening if you really stop and think about it.

The video goes on to explain this tech hub we're living in and how much the need for MORE friends/fans/ likes has actually done the opposite of what we hoped for -- it's led to more loneliness. Why? Lets face it, online we've created a medium where conversation can be edited, dumbed down, and presented just the way we want it. It's almost become difficult for some to carry on a conversation in person now. Lets face it, how many times have you hung out with friends recently and everyone's on their phone? Or attempting to take the perfect photo for Instagram so much so that it takes away from the actual experience of hanging out.

Enough of my soap box, but this video really stuck out to me and shed light on such an interesting paradox. We're so after defeating loneliness -- to the point that our social networks have super-sized. Yet, it's all an illusion of the even more magnified loneliness that's lingering. When all the "likes" and "notifications" stop coming and we're left alone at home in a moment of silence, do we then feel satisfied? Or even more empty than before? Are we comfortable and at peace being with just ourselves. Is that enough or is the craving for more and more what's driving you?

The last line of the video put it best. And which is what sparked a desire in me to even write this blog post: " If we are not able to be alone, we're only going to know how to be lonely." Let that sink in.

#wannagetaway

Ever have those seasons in your life where all you want to do is just fly away? There doesn't have to necessarily be anything wrong in your life or anything too stressful, but simply a yearning to adventure. A desire to take a step outside your comfort zone and see things from a new perspective. That's how I've been feeling lately. Amidst a time where a lot of changes are going on around me and within me, Dream place on the list right now? NYC baby. I'm such a city girl at heart and I head to San Francisco every chance I get for a taste of its rich culture and escapism feel. I don't know what it is about big cities but it seriously makes me come alive inside, and I mean that both in the mental sense and even physical sense. I get an excitement in my bones and even the crisp air and hustle and bustle of each person rushing off to do their own thing excites me. The best part of all of it is that I love thinking that each one of these peoples' lives must somehow happen to collide in one way or another. Maybe I've seen Crash one too many times but I love the sense of thinking that even if we think we're in the largest city filled with a bunch of strangers, that we all still manage to collide at one point or another. After all, why else would we constantly be hearing the saying, "Wow, what a small world!"

Anyways, that's my little word vomit of the day as we trek into the weekend. Who knows when these little trips of mine will come to play, but I hope one day soon!

TGIF kiddos.

transitions

- So, sadly there's no new episode of Parenthood tonight and I think that a personal post is long overdue.. so I thought might as well get right to it. I've had a crazy couple of months when I take the time to sit back and recollect my thoughts on the past few months. Actually make that the past year. I still can't fathom how fast 2012 has flown by. I feel like I experience this every year, but honestly with year I think that it's been the fastest. I look back on how quickly each month flew by and all of the transitions that I've made in only a year.

Starting with graduating from college in December 2011 and moving back home to living with my parents, that was a big one. In my life I've always had my paths sort of set in front of me. It was always, get good grades and aim for the best and then when you're there, start that process over again for the next big thing. I have lived and breathed this cycle since elementary school and finally at the end of 2011, I truly came to the end of the ongoing cycle. I graduated from one of the best schools in California with honors, and 2 quarters early at that. You think you'd feel very accomplished right? I don't think I've ever felt more lost or confused than I did when I moved back home; right around the same time we rang in the new year.

I spent the first chunk of the new year job searching and really figuring out what I should do with my life. My initial go-to was comparing myself to everyone around me; what kinds of jobs do they have? how much should I be making? what kind of job looks "legit" or "prestigious"? That tends to always be the biggest mistake of mine. I'm ALWAYS comparing myself to others and wanting what I don't have. It's led to a lot of realizations over the years, and most importantly the lesson that I'm living my own life, no one else's... so might as well make this the best possible life for myself.

After 5 months of interviewing, stressing, and searching.. (oh, and include a spontaneous family trip to Europe in between all that!), I finally landed the right job; the perfect job in my eyes. I began working as a recruiter at a third party agency at a company really close to my house. I honestly think this was the best first job that anyone could have had. I was new to the corporate world and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, career-wise. This job gave me the opportunity to really gain a sense of all the different industries that are out there. I was able to work with some of the biggest names in Silicon Valley, as well as truly grow as a person. I look back and one of the biggest things I am thankful for is that I grew so much in shedding a lot of insecurities that I had and grew in my professionalism and confidence. A lot of fears I once had totally disappeared and were replaced with so much knowledge and maturity. Plus on top of all that, I was able to work with some of the best people that I have yet to meet. Our office was small so we literally became a family.

Flash forward 4 months in and we are here. Long story short, but as always, life is unpredictable my friends. And sometimes you don't know how good something was until it's gone.. or until it changes dramatically. Unfortunately, my work life took a huge turn and was overtaken by new management. The company did a complete 180 and we honestly couldn't even recognize it as what it once was. People left, new people came, and the culture shifted very significantly. As of right now, that door of my life has closed and I look at it now through the eyes of someone who isn't that little girl who is fearful about what is to come. Instead, I look at this like a blessing in disguise.

All of my life, I've had so many passions but yet to go after them. I sell myself short, think I don't deserve the things that I want, or that they're too hard to obtain. I realize how that the constraints I've put on myself are the only things that are stopping me. Even starting this blog and being regular about it was truly a tough feat. But I finally realized, if this is my true passion, start! You have nothing to lose. I see the blessing in disguise, because my last month at my job I kept wishing and hoping for a new opportunity to present itself. In a way, my time there was done. It was such a great experience to start off with, and I am going to take the lessons I've learned with me throughout the rest of my career -- but it was almost as if God was also agreeing with me and saying, yes the time has come to move onto something bigger and better.

So right now, even though I feel like I'm back at square one and back to where I was exactly at the start of 2012, I realize I'm not there at all. In fact, I've progressed so many steps forward. In maturity, in wisdom, in confidence, and in faith. The verse I have posted above is the verse that I'm leaning on and truly walking out in this next stage of my life. I want to be the woman who can truly laugh in confidence & in hope that there is absolutely no fear of the future; but only good things ahead.

If it's writing & blogging that I love, then I won't cease to write until I land something. If it's event planning, if it's recruiting, if it's in the corporate world, or even starting my own business venture -- nothing is too out there as long as I myself believe in it.

And that's been the biggest transition of all -- shifting from all of the personal doubt to believing in myself moreso than I ever have before. Looks like a new chapter has literally been added in to my life at this point. And it's my job to choose how it's going to be written.