wild & free

One of my goals/desires when I decided to start my own business was not only to help my clients throw that perfect event they've been dreaming up, but also to inspire the community of creatives that I'm now a part of. To shed light on the importance of vulnerability, the danger of comparison, and to create a safe place for women to share their life lessons and revelations. 

I began reading this book last month, Wild & Free, with two friends and it has been such a breath of fresh air. I encourage everyone reading this right now to click and order it! (no, I'm not affiliated with them but I'm that crazy about the book hehe). I'm only half way through right now but it's already challenged me so much that it's made me tackle some issues I struggled with in the past. This has led to such an increase of confidence and joy in my life. 

Being the lover of writing that I am, I decided to publish my experience on Medium earlier this week. If you're interested to read further, simply click here.

Little teaser for those curious: 

…I didn’t get a job because the manager said I was “too much.” How that statement has impacted me 4 years later.

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Once we cut off those strings of expectation, pride, and insecurity we stop allowing others to define us. That’s when living can actually begin.

<3

#unwritten

2016's been exciting so far to say the least. As I'm writing this I'm waiting to board my plane en route to Switzerland. My mom and I are about to embark on a little European adventure, just us girls. I feel so blessed to have the time and the means to travel like this right now and take three weeks to literally get away and get soaked in an entirely different world. I've been wanting to immerse myself in Europe for such a long time now and to be able to do so for an extended period of time gets me so pumped. We'll be making a loop starting in Switzerland, passing through France, then to Germany, then closing out the trip in Austria and hopefully doing a few day trips to neighboring countries in between.

I'll be blogging photos and memories from each city we stop in so feel free to follow along on my journey with me. As the year unfolds (can you believe it's mid February already?), I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what my hopes are for it personally as well as for you the reader. I'm currently working on a revamp, hence the new domain (officially all mine!) as well as the new look and feel. My main goal is to inspire you and myself. I think that term is thrown around so loosely that we tend to roll our eyes and often forget what inspiration even really means.

That brings me back to why my blog is called "undefined & unrestrained." I want to inspire myself and you who might have happened to stumble on my blog to BE you and DO you. Every. Day. One thing that really makes me tick when it comes to social media and this new phase of technology advancement that we're in is the amount of comparison that brings along with it. Most notably for women but definitely for men too. For myself personally, seeing others' coming and goings, endeavors, and various life milestones has been a wonderful thing thanks to social media. However, let's not to ourselves. I think we can all recall a time where it's made you stop and think. "Should I be doing this too?" "Am I not on the right timeline?" "Am I supposed to be going down this career path to fit in with the rest of my demographic?". These questions can be suffocating. They can cause anxiety and ultimately steal your joy. One thing I yearn to encourage you with (and myself since this is much easier said than done on a daily basis) is to embrace the undefined. To live a life that's beautifully unrestrained. To allow the adventures and fleeting moments of passion that you are seeking to fully engulf you. Not what you see on Instagram that makes you get down on yourself for not having X amount of likes or followers.

In this next chapter of my life which is one that is TRULY undefined since I have no clue what's next I am doing just that in embracing the unknown. I have this newfound excitement for what is to come and a new patience, if you will, for taking each day as it comes and finding the small pleasures that each day brings; instead of trying to skip steps and follow this established timeline that the media or our peers have set before us.

I encourage you to tear up that timeline you have written down, physically or in your mind. Find the joy in being yourself and doing what makes you happy. You might be the only one doing X but that's what you're passionate about, do it. For instance, there were times when I thought at my age it's too late to think about taking an extended trip. What about my timeline? Job? What about what my life is "supposed" to look like right now? And then it just hit me. Throw those questions out the window. Take a deep breath and look outside. We're so surrounded by a beautfiul world that is begging to be discovered. Whether that looks like taking time off to travel or quitting your job to pursue a hobby that's become a passion... if that's what drives you, do it. Because at the end of the day, all of us simply want contentment. I've realized even the richest people in the world can be the most depressed. Yeah, we've all heard this but really let it sink in.

And maybe you haven't figured it out yet. Those passions, that calling. Trust me, I haven't. But instead of stressing out (my usual M.O.) I'm finally learning to roll with it and embrace the undefined. Not to end on the cheesiest of all notes but as Natasha Bedingfield so perfectly puts it, "The rest is still unwritten..." -- I'm finally grasping the beauty in that lyric. As someone who has thrived on living a life where my next step/ direction was always sort of laid out before me, I'm starting to slowly get it now and accept the beauty in the unknown. 

With that, I hope some sort of spark has been lit for you. Thanks for following along my journey as I chase what's next. 

#BeYourself

Be You. One of the shortest sentences one can form. Yet one of the most powerful assertions. So what does it mean to be you? What if you don't know who YOU are? Today at work we had a mini offsite for our team that was meant for some team bonding and brainstorming. With only 10 of us, we all went through the book Strengths Finder 2.0 to see what our top five strengths are (or "themes" as they call them). It was so beneficial to go through this with them because when you're working so closely with a team, often times you're left disappointed, confused, or just plain annoyed because you don't know how to deal with them. Maybe you're wondering why they react certain ways to specific situations -- or why they don't react at all. It was so eye-opening to share our results with one another because now I know exactly why they operate the way they do. And most of all, where their top strengths lie. This way we now know how each member of the team can best utilize these strengths to contribute to the team. 

I highly suggest reading this book and taking the assessment (within a team at work, with your significant other, or just for fun between your family or group of friends). As soon as I finished I wanted to share my results with those around me and curious to hear the results of my good friends. 

Just for my own reference so I never forget these (and because I'm sure you readers are dying to know all about me!) ... lol, I'll be sharing my top 5, as well as the tidbits from each that stood out most to me. It's interesting because we actually had to read this book for a course I took in high school and I still have it at home. I was comparing my results to the ones I got today (almost 7 years later) and 3 of my 5 strengths have remained the same. The other two are completely new! And in a new order too. Here it goes: 

1) Empathy

People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.

What stood out most: Chances are good that you are attuned to the full gamut of human feelings. Whenever your own or someone else’s life becomes emotionally barren, you search for people and activities to fill the void. You bring people together. Because of your strengths, you frequently detect impending conflict sooner than most people do. Your keen awareness allows you to sense what others are thinking and feeling. Simply put: You have a gift for helping people find common ground. By nature, you pay attention to what others think. You make them feel valued. Typically people sense that you appreciate what they say. This probably explains why many people enjoy spending time with you.

2) Harmony

People who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.

What stood out the most: You realize everyone sees opportunities, problems, solutions, and events differently. While you have opinions, you refrain from imposing them on others. You are good-natured — that is,you have a pleasant, cheerful, and cooperative disposition. Chances are good that you accomplish everything that others are counting on you to do. This is one reason why people admire you. 

3) Connectedness

People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

What stood out the most: Driven by your talents, you sense that everything in life is somehow interrelated and interdependent. This idea fortifies you to calmly face most of life’s challenges and difficulties. ... By nature, you naturally build bonds that unite different types of people who have separate and often clashing agendas. You naturally identify with someone’s situation. You have a gift for helping people discover what they have in common. 

4) Consistency

People who are especially talented in the Consistency theme are keenly aware of the need to treat people the same. They try to treat everyone in the world with consistency by setting up clear rules and adhering to them.

What stood out the most: You might worry that chaos will reign when regulations or standard operating procedures are not uniformly enforced. Because of your strengths, you may have a reputation for straightening up certain types of things such as your desk, home, and personal items. Perhaps you have a detailed plan or schedule for cleaning, organizing, and maintaining your physical environment. By nature, you like creating familiar patterns of behavior. (dead on!) 

5) Communication 

People who are especially talented in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.

What stood out the most: Instinctively, you very much enjoy the animated give-and-take of a lively discussion. You yearn to spend time with your friends. Their absence saddens you. It’s very likely that you are sometimes open and honest about who you are, what you have done, what you can do, and what you cannot do. Maybe your straightforward explanations and stories help listeners see you as you see yourself.

Perhaps your words and examples move them to action. Because of your strengths, you like to
amuse people with your stories. Your stories probably provide people with pleasant distractions from their daily routines and worries. Chances are good that you select the right combination
of words to convey your ideas or feelings. You probably express yourself with ease and grace.

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That's me! Reading these strengths and diving deep into discovering them is one step closer into figuring out who I am and now the challenge is to BE me with no hesitation, fear, or care about who will accept and and who wont. It's liberating. 

#change

Yes, it's definitely been a minute since my last post. I'm slowly coming up on three months officially living in the city. Can't express enough how this has truly been one of the best decisions I ever made. I feel so much growth within the last few months and so much of an internal thirst for more. I'm slowly starting to ask myself the hard questions, like what it is I like, who I want to be around, the people I choose to invest in, the things I spend my time doing, etc. The more and more I work, the more I realize how precious our time is. So much of the week is automatically given away to working so when it comes to time off and the weekends, that's when I've really been focused on making my time count.

Living in the city on my own, I've had the perfect balance of feeding both my introvert side & my extravert side. It's funny how much we can change as we grow older, and now being in my mid-20's I can safely safe I've shifted into a 50/50 split of the two personality types. Being here, sometimes I just have those days where I'll take a walk to the Marina by myself and just sit out by the water and soak it all in. Or walking on the way home and people watching down Fillmore St. and seeing how much life goes on all around me. Aside from that, it's been so good to invest time in friends who I don't get to see as much. It's funny, when I was still living fully at home with the parents I wouldn't see a lot of my friends that often who lived maybe 10-15 min away (I think it's just taking it for granted that you live so close and then life gets busy).. but after moving up, I ended up seeing some of these people even more than I did when I was living at home. You almost make more of an effort because life does get so chaotic. It feels really good to have those friendships that stick out like that... people actually caring to invest themselves in your life and ask about your day to day and keep up with it. That effort goes such a long way, and as humans, we're bound to get moved by the reciprocation -- after all, that's what we're after. There are some people in my life in this past year alone that have made an everlasting mark because of how supportive they were through some of the toughest times. These are friends that weren't necessary the ones I happened to grow up with my whole life or ones that I happen to do life with on the daily -- some were even friends of friends who I happened to click with in an instant. Just seeing the mark those people made on my life as I look back a year ago til today, I am nothing but thankful. It's taught me a lesson in being open to change. Being open to getting to know anyone, regardless of how different you might think the two of you might be on the outside based on surface circumstances like your age or walk of life.

I think the hardest topic for me to think/write about (aside from life passions and what I really want to do with my life -- which we shall leave for another blog post for the sake of my sanity, hehe), is change. Change in the smallest sense like my favorite TV show changing its theme song after a season or two (here's looking at you Felicity and One Tree Hill), or change in the larger sense like not being as close with people you once did life with. Lately one of the things I've been pondering about has been the change I've seen in my social circles. Sometimes it feels like I live two lives. Not in the sense of living a double life or anything like that, but living in two cities, having two rooms, a work life, a family life, a set of friends here, one there -- it's all been so non-linear that it's interesting. For lack of a better word. And yet even alongside the busyness and action-packed life I lead, there are times when I've sat and questioned "where do I belong?" I think growing up with the social groups that are a norm for our society today leads to this type of questioning. We grow up and head off to these institutions like middle school/ high school/ church/ the soccer team, and we're immediately told to start making friends and forming groups. For me especially, I always always had a big group of friends surrounding me. More often than that, these were obviously people who had a ton in common with me and were headed in the same direction for the most part. However, as we grow older, I've realized that this is where the change kicks in like a bitter pill to swallow. We all have that deciding moment to figure out what it is we want for ourselves. Where we want to go, who we want to be. We start asking all these questions surrounding our identity. From college to now (and esp. now), I've had the change kick in the most. It saddens me that I am such a nostalgic person because I notice  how much this kind of stuff effects me more than those around me. Sometimes it's so hard to even express how I feel because I don't think others would even get it. But I get so nostalgic for the old times that it definitely hurts. I miss my old group of friends. I miss the people I grew up with and did 10+ years of my life with.

People who would say they consider you "family" or a "sister." It's funny because now at 24, almost 25, I realize how loosely we throw around words like that. And it's so sad because it cheapens the value of words like that so much. One second it's this clique we consider our bffs/ family and then a year later we aren't even talking to that person and moved on to the next clique. It's really allowed my eyes to be opened to the fact that as life changes and we grow up, we begin to find that sometimes we don't even need a group anymore. We need that one, two, or three constants who are always going to be there and have made it clear that they're not going anywhere. Sure, everyone wants to have that TV glamorized clique of friends like how the Kardashian sisters make it seem or the girls on Laguna Beach, but lets be real, this isn't reality TV -- this is reality.

I've finally started to slowly start losing my grip on holding so tightly to the past. Yes, the memories will always remain and always be epic to look back on. And yes, if I could, I would repeat those instances in a second because of how joyful they made me. But am I going to keep missing out on the present because I'm holding onto missing the past? No. Not anymore. I've realized I'm done trying to control things as much as I have in the past. I came across this amazing quote that says,

"If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth."

 So powerful. And at the end of the day, the hard part of this quote to walk away with is the truth in that not everyone will know our worth. People will always disappoint. That's why we can't put our worth in people alone or even let them have that control. So I'll end with this and bring it full circle. Thanks to good old Socrates for putting the secret to change so perfectly. We need to stop living in the past and holding on so tightly to what's already changed. Yes, people may leave, people may change, situations can totally erupt, explode, or implode. But the key is focusing on building the present and the future. 

I never want to miss out on the beauty that is to come in my life. I am so blessed to have the people in my life who are in it right now and who have made a lasting mark, especially in such a season of change (har har) for me. I may not have that clique anymore like the kids in high school or those girls you grew up with, because lets be real we're all in different chapters at the moment. But having the few who have made it known they're here to stay has been so comforting. And even bigger than that, this has all taught me so much about independence and finding myself apart from people. I don't think that it's any accident at all that I'm in the spot where I am. I know God knows what He's doing and I trust in that. The changes are good and they're going to bear so much fruit in the long run. I just needed to shift my perspective. And I'm finally ready to let go and move forward with a new set of eyes now. <3

#citylife

 

Today marks day 20 of me moving to San Francisco. Yes, I am a slacker, I have no excuse for being so late on a life update, but hey better late than never. I still cannot even begin to process the fact that I live here now. It has been one of the best decisions I ever made. Best of all, it's been such a breath of fresh air to get away from the bubble I've grown up in my whole life and venture out to see the rest the world (ironically, looks like sometimes you only need to get an hour away and you'll still feel the change of pace). SF couldn't be more different than what I'm used to. Some nights I remember taking the train home from work and getting to my driveway back home and being in total suburbia ..... and just needing to take a moment to soak it all in because it's those moments where I feel like I have two different lives going on.

It's been so much more convenient moving here and I feel like with every aspect of life I have more of a sync and balance. Who knew knocking of 3 hours of commuting a day would have such an effect. I've been walking to work every day, admiring the gorgeous Civic Center buildings on my walk over and just admiring the city's livelihood, no matter what the hour.

Even with work I feel so much more stimulated now. I still have those long hours but I almost don't even mind it anymore since my commute has shortened so much and I'm lucky enough to work with people I love so it's a fun time regardless.

I feel like the adventures are just beginning. There have been so many wish-list places on my endless SF exploration list, but I've experienced so many of them so far. Some of the best foods, fancy dinners, hole in the walls -- the list goes on. I think my favorite part though has been the proximity to my friends. I'm like smack in the middle of 4-5 really close friends so the best part has been walking to their place for a movie night or just having people to hang out with anytime you want.

I'm going to keep this one short since I'm still soaking in so much from this experience, but to sum it all up, it's been absolutely perfect thus far. I'm so happy about using this time to grow both in my work and personally... and I know this move and change in independence is going to play a huge role in the growth process. The best is yet to come.

#newyearnewme

"New Year, New Me" -- probably one of the most reused sayings when it comes to bringing in the new year. I think the notion behind it is actually very beautiful. Celebrating the end of an era and starting fresh with a brand new chapter; it gives us reason to want to re-invent ourselves, almost like a blank slate. 2013 is dunzo and it's been a little under a week that we've peered into 2014, yet it already feels like such a change compared to this past year.

I had one of the wildest years of my life. One that I think stands out dramatically from the rest when I look back. Turning 24 at the end of this past year set things in motion for a dramatic change come these next few months. SO much change has happened. I took one of the biggest leaps of faith 8 months ago and opted to take an internship, which in turn led to being hired permanently as a content writer for my dream company. Words can't express how much of a blessing that has been. Not only that, but it's a literal dream come true for me because I'm now in the process of preparing to move to the city in less than a month. It feels so surreal. That's been something I've dreamt of since college days and now it's a reality. I'm so glad I had the experience of commuting and living life within the city before opting to actually move there. I figured out what I wanted and what I didn't, and now the pieces just seem to fit so well.

At the start of every new year, we've been taught to come up with our list of resolutions. For me, I don't like saying things and then not keeping them because it only leads to regret at the end of that year, but lets face it, you're more inclined to go after these resolutions if you write them out and make them goals. I don't have like a top ten list or anything, but these are a few of the things I'm really set out to aspire to accomplish in 2014:

1) Travel more. In 2013 another dream that came true for me was my trip to NYC. It's funny because I think that's so normal to some people who have had the luxury of traveling a lot and having lavish vacations all their lives, but for me big vacations are something we tend to do once every two years or so. In 2012 it was two weeks in Europe which was AMAZING, but this trip to NYC was something different. The fact that I was able to plan it all and pay for all of it on my own was so rewarding. It was just me and one dear friend and we made the MOST of our 3 days there. I will never forget that trip. It made me realize how much I value self-discovery while traveling. It's something I want to invest my money in and make sure to cross one trip off my list each year from now on. That makes 2014 very exciting to look forward to:)

2) Be completely present, no matter where I am. I have made this mistake on numerous occasions throughout my life. I tend to let my curiosity, or my "fear of missing out" (coined in pop culture as FOMO lately), get the best of me. I want to resolve in 2014 to be 100% present no matter where I am. Especially with this move to SF, I want to savor every single moment of it. From moving in, to the weeknights coming back to my neighborhood after work, to spending some weekends venturing out on my own -- I want all of it to be an adventure that I can look back on and reflect on true self-discovery and growth as a person. No more worry about not being invited to this/ missing out on that event back home/ wishing I was somewhere that I'm not. Instead just full devotion to the present and what a gift that truly is.

3) Last but not least (since the rest are random and borderline embarrassing like learning to play guitar and whatnot lol), I want to fully accept and come to terms with the truth that "Timing is Everything." One of the toughest lessons I've had to learn has been giving up my own control; letting go and letting God. Call it the perfectionist in me or maybe it's this fear of having to settle or compensate.. but I've always wanted things to go the way I've imagined them. This truth about timing was made very clear to me a few days before the New Year. Truth be told, it was actually a tough word to receive because come on, in reality, we don't really like hearing that we have to simply sit back and just wait for God to open doors in His timing. That's so unknown! But that's what a step of faith looks like. It's confidence in the unknown and unseen. I think this past year I've been so preoccupied with worry.. wondering when my time will come for certain things and that's led to major comparison to others around me, which in turn, has led to a depletion of joy. But towards the end of 2013, it just clicked that this is a notion I have to walk with every day --> let go of your own control and trust that the best is yet to come and the best is in store. Why would I doubt that for a second? The fear is crippling, I can vouch for that first hand. The fear of "what if it isn't what I hoped for?" //"what if I feel like I'm settling?"// "When will it come?" -- I mean the list goes on. There is so much fear in the unknown. But I realized I can either spend a year in confusion and anxiety about this, or I can live in joy knowing it's in God's hands and that He will give me the desires of my heart once I delight solely in Him. It's a hard pill to swallow.. but it's such a challenge. I can think of 20 different things that I've allowed my heart to "delight in" over Him sometimes. It's a good reality check to go back and reevaluate these things, and that's what I've been doing as the year started.

I know this year is going to be different, yet so much better than before. I don't believe I need to become a "new me" as the new year has started, yet I'm so thankful that I can take the old me and add to her what amazing lessons I've learned in 2013 and the ones I will continue to learn in 2014. That's what I mean when I say new me.. Same person, but new lessons learned. New growth. New ways of reacting to things in different ways than I would in years past. No more comparisons, no more fear.

Photo credit: Logan Cole Photography

#loneliness

I watched this amazing video this morning and I suggest anyone who has 3 minutes to spare give it a peek: [vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/70534716 w=500&h=281]

It's fittingly titled, "The Innovation of Loneliness" -- a three minute speech by the talened Shimi Cohen who designed the graphics of the video as well as narration.

Loneliness has been a topic I've always been interested in exploring. Partially because I think it's part of the human condition. The video beautifully illustrates how our current generation adheres so strongly to the belief that the more connected we are, the more happy we will be -- and ultimately, the less lonely. The facts denote that a human being usually maintains a social circle up to 150 people. It's almost impossible to maintain deep ties with any number more than that for the average person. When I think about that number I'm actually pretty shocked -- 150 people is a LOT. In fact, with a stat like that it's almost humorous that we see so many people suffering from loneliness with a supposed social circle that high in number.

The reason? Quantity over quality. We're so busy chasing after this fantasy of a million likes, tags, comments, friend requests, and connections that our entire purpose becomes finding an identity within this world of "tech affirmation" which I like to call it. I won't even call out just the younger teens for doing this because it's seriously an issue even among young adults. We're yearning to create this identity for ourselves based on the affirmation we get over the web. Daily it's a scramble to check Instagram to make sure our "selfie" got 50+ likes or that our status update is being approved by the rest of our social network. If not, we're quick to feel self conscious, inferior -- so much so that some even go to the extreme of deleting something because of fear of rejection (guilty as charged).  It's honestly sickening if you really stop and think about it.

The video goes on to explain this tech hub we're living in and how much the need for MORE friends/fans/ likes has actually done the opposite of what we hoped for -- it's led to more loneliness. Why? Lets face it, online we've created a medium where conversation can be edited, dumbed down, and presented just the way we want it. It's almost become difficult for some to carry on a conversation in person now. Lets face it, how many times have you hung out with friends recently and everyone's on their phone? Or attempting to take the perfect photo for Instagram so much so that it takes away from the actual experience of hanging out.

Enough of my soap box, but this video really stuck out to me and shed light on such an interesting paradox. We're so after defeating loneliness -- to the point that our social networks have super-sized. Yet, it's all an illusion of the even more magnified loneliness that's lingering. When all the "likes" and "notifications" stop coming and we're left alone at home in a moment of silence, do we then feel satisfied? Or even more empty than before? Are we comfortable and at peace being with just ourselves. Is that enough or is the craving for more and more what's driving you?

The last line of the video put it best. And which is what sparked a desire in me to even write this blog post: " If we are not able to be alone, we're only going to know how to be lonely." Let that sink in.

#justforfun

Today my cousin & I got super spontaneous and decided mid-day to head off for a beach day together. It was crazy that in mid-January, the weather was absolutely amazing! The sun was out, people were surfing on the waves, and we enjoyed sitting back, eating lunch together, overlooking the ocean. It was such a fun day and just allowed me to once again realize the power in spontaneity and being adventurous. Especially for us Californians, the beach is our backyard, yet I visit so seldom! The character of Capitola is absolutely precious -- every nook and cranny makes you feel like you're walking through a small European city. All mom& pop shops and natives! Of course my cousin is quite the up and coming photographer, so I had a ton of fun being her model for the day ;) All photo cred goes to : Sanna Nour Photography! I'm loving the new perspective I've been living out the past few weeks. I'm doing all I can to better myself, be my own best friend, and just figure things out. It's tough in your early 20's (who knew!?), but I'm getting the hang of it and I'm so motivated with the growth that God is doing in me. In every aspect there's a new lesson He's been revealing to me and it's finally now (after years) that I'm looking to grasp these lessons with a grain of salt & humility. Change is good.... the best is yet to come!

Removing "Fine" From your Vocabulary

"Your problem isn't your ideas -- your problem is that you don't act on them" It's so funny that my post this morning was regarding an itch for exploration and adventure. I just got done listening to a TED Talk that honestly shifted my entire perspective about so much and also challenged me hardcore. Mel Robbins, in 20 minutes, put it so simply. Am I okay with being just "fine" when people ask me how I'm doing? How can I get outside being just "fine" and make my ideas come to life? It is SIMPLE, but it is not EASY. It takes force. It takes getting outside of my comfort zone. It takes acting upon my impulses and taking chances.

"When we feel stuck or dissatisfied it's because we are depriving ourselves of our humanly desire and need for exploration" -- this line spoke to me so much. It's so true. I highly encourage watching this short motivational talk to check you and challenge you to step outside of what you're comfortable with and what you're used to, to get exactly what you want. It is quite simple, you just have to make the active decision to physically and mentally chase after what you want.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp7E973zozc&w=560&h=315]

pieces of me

Last night while I was cleaning out my closet I dove right into doing one of my favorite things; reading through my old journals and my old snail mail. I've kept every journal I've had since I was about 13-14 years old, as well as a big suitcase full of all my old cards from birthdays to "thinking-of-you's." I love going through my journals especially and either a) laugh at myself for the things I was worried about back then or b) check myself on the fact that I still am dealing with some of the same things that I need to break free from and address even now. It's funny because we will never stop going through tough times in life. Obviously, life isn't perfect and the world isn't a perfect place. I think sometimes we think we are entitled to that perfect life, free from the internal stress and worry that we so often allow to control our lives. But the reality is this: no, life isn't perfect, but through life's experiences we are given tools and keys to learn to break free and rise above. I think that's the beauty on being able to go back and reflect. I look and see so many areas where hard times were able to give me a new perspective; a new light was shed onto the issue. And there are also the times where I've looked back and I see that I'm still dealing with the same thing. It's in those areas that I realize I still need a new outlook; I still need to see why God's allowing this trial to persist. The trials are never to harm us or lead us to failure. Instead, they're areas where we can develop in our character and perseverance.

--This is an excerpt from a poem I wrote back in 2010. It's crazy that when I was reading this last night, I felt so many of the same emotions that I felt while I was writing this 2 years ago. To look back and be able to tell myself this now, especially while going through a similar season, is SUCH a breath of fresh air. * I apologize in advance for the one usage of profanity-- it should say "BS" instead of the actual word; I in no way want to condone cussing, but I wanted to be vulnerable and share this piece of me.*

#trust

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps" (Pro. 16:9)

--learning that trust means faith, and the opposite of faith is doubt and hopelessness. I don't want to get caught up in that mindset. No matter what the scenario or circumstance, I choose to proactively trust and place my faith in the Father who has already established my steps and where I'm headed.

edit: kudos X384 to Sabrina Ward Harrison who has been an inspiration of mine since I was 16. Because of her books, I have been so much more serious about making my dream of publishing my own journals a reality. Her art, using her words as well as her designs, has blown me away time after time. Sometimes it just seems like it's a one in a million type of person who gets the chance to do something like that, but it doesn't hurt to try, right?

first post: coming full circle

shello. I decided to join the Wordpress world! When first I started blogging in 2008, I signed up on blogger (then it was blogspot)..I only updated it maybe 4 times since I started it, but I went back tonight and read my first post. It was about one of my favorite things to write about -- change. As I looked back on it, I remember the exact time period in my life that this was. It was the fall of my freshman year of college.. I had just moved to UC Davis to begin college away from home, away from all my friends, and I was on a simple search.. for sheer happiness & new experiences. The funny thing is that I couldn't have been more excited to get out of my bubble. However, change has always been the most dreaded of topics for me. I'm not good with it at all. I still complain about the fact that Nickelodeon's 90's lineup is gone and the fact that none of my middle school friends care to reminisce with me about our old times. I live for memories and the past.

Anyways, fast forward 3 years later and as of now I'm in my last year at Davis -- actually my last quarter here. I can't even begin to fathom how fast the time has flown by and that I'm literally DONE with college in 2 months. Wow. As I look back at this first post, I smile. A sly smile... knowing inside how great it feels to have come full circle with this change thing. Everything I wrote about still applies in some ways or another, but those answers I was searching for have surfaced their way into my life. The things I needed to let go of -- I finally realize how vital it was for me to really release all grasp of. To finally welcome change as a positive thing and not get so stuck on the past & let nostalgia get the best of me.

One of the biggest life lessons I have learned is that happiness, joy, and contentment cannot be found in situational factors such as moments, memories, friendships, or people (to be broad)... None of that lasts or satisfies permanently. Sure, the high of it is great and I'll be honest with you, it really does feel like it will last forever. But when it fades, it's almost like the worst come-down ever. It's funny, I look back on this post and I'm just in awe. Mostly at God's sense of humor. He really wasn't going to give up on trying to teach me this lesson until I fully got it.

And wow, three years later, and it's all coming full circle. I finally realize what it means to let go of own desire for control and let life run its course. This poem puts it so perfectly:

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.  It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.  Letting go isn't about winning or losing.  It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.  It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.  To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on.  It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.  Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.

To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free" (Author unknown)

Moral of the story -- it's just so awesome to look back on your own personal growth after time has passed and see how shifts in your mindset and views can come with maturity and the life experiences you have. It's such a gift to be walking out of the college world in a few months and have this paradigm shift.

I actually KNOW who I’m called to be and I’m on the road to find what makes me come alive– not stopping for anything short of amazing & God-breathed. Wow, I'm finally feeling free. So I welcome you in on this journey. Prelude to my life: check.