#unwritten

2016's been exciting so far to say the least. As I'm writing this I'm waiting to board my plane en route to Switzerland. My mom and I are about to embark on a little European adventure, just us girls. I feel so blessed to have the time and the means to travel like this right now and take three weeks to literally get away and get soaked in an entirely different world. I've been wanting to immerse myself in Europe for such a long time now and to be able to do so for an extended period of time gets me so pumped. We'll be making a loop starting in Switzerland, passing through France, then to Germany, then closing out the trip in Austria and hopefully doing a few day trips to neighboring countries in between.

I'll be blogging photos and memories from each city we stop in so feel free to follow along on my journey with me. As the year unfolds (can you believe it's mid February already?), I've been thinking a lot about this blog and what my hopes are for it personally as well as for you the reader. I'm currently working on a revamp, hence the new domain (officially all mine!) as well as the new look and feel. My main goal is to inspire you and myself. I think that term is thrown around so loosely that we tend to roll our eyes and often forget what inspiration even really means.

That brings me back to why my blog is called "undefined & unrestrained." I want to inspire myself and you who might have happened to stumble on my blog to BE you and DO you. Every. Day. One thing that really makes me tick when it comes to social media and this new phase of technology advancement that we're in is the amount of comparison that brings along with it. Most notably for women but definitely for men too. For myself personally, seeing others' coming and goings, endeavors, and various life milestones has been a wonderful thing thanks to social media. However, let's not to ourselves. I think we can all recall a time where it's made you stop and think. "Should I be doing this too?" "Am I not on the right timeline?" "Am I supposed to be going down this career path to fit in with the rest of my demographic?". These questions can be suffocating. They can cause anxiety and ultimately steal your joy. One thing I yearn to encourage you with (and myself since this is much easier said than done on a daily basis) is to embrace the undefined. To live a life that's beautifully unrestrained. To allow the adventures and fleeting moments of passion that you are seeking to fully engulf you. Not what you see on Instagram that makes you get down on yourself for not having X amount of likes or followers.

In this next chapter of my life which is one that is TRULY undefined since I have no clue what's next I am doing just that in embracing the unknown. I have this newfound excitement for what is to come and a new patience, if you will, for taking each day as it comes and finding the small pleasures that each day brings; instead of trying to skip steps and follow this established timeline that the media or our peers have set before us.

I encourage you to tear up that timeline you have written down, physically or in your mind. Find the joy in being yourself and doing what makes you happy. You might be the only one doing X but that's what you're passionate about, do it. For instance, there were times when I thought at my age it's too late to think about taking an extended trip. What about my timeline? Job? What about what my life is "supposed" to look like right now? And then it just hit me. Throw those questions out the window. Take a deep breath and look outside. We're so surrounded by a beautfiul world that is begging to be discovered. Whether that looks like taking time off to travel or quitting your job to pursue a hobby that's become a passion... if that's what drives you, do it. Because at the end of the day, all of us simply want contentment. I've realized even the richest people in the world can be the most depressed. Yeah, we've all heard this but really let it sink in.

And maybe you haven't figured it out yet. Those passions, that calling. Trust me, I haven't. But instead of stressing out (my usual M.O.) I'm finally learning to roll with it and embrace the undefined. Not to end on the cheesiest of all notes but as Natasha Bedingfield so perfectly puts it, "The rest is still unwritten..." -- I'm finally grasping the beauty in that lyric. As someone who has thrived on living a life where my next step/ direction was always sort of laid out before me, I'm starting to slowly get it now and accept the beauty in the unknown. 

With that, I hope some sort of spark has been lit for you. Thanks for following along my journey as I chase what's next. 

#BeYourself

Be You. One of the shortest sentences one can form. Yet one of the most powerful assertions. So what does it mean to be you? What if you don't know who YOU are? Today at work we had a mini offsite for our team that was meant for some team bonding and brainstorming. With only 10 of us, we all went through the book Strengths Finder 2.0 to see what our top five strengths are (or "themes" as they call them). It was so beneficial to go through this with them because when you're working so closely with a team, often times you're left disappointed, confused, or just plain annoyed because you don't know how to deal with them. Maybe you're wondering why they react certain ways to specific situations -- or why they don't react at all. It was so eye-opening to share our results with one another because now I know exactly why they operate the way they do. And most of all, where their top strengths lie. This way we now know how each member of the team can best utilize these strengths to contribute to the team. 

I highly suggest reading this book and taking the assessment (within a team at work, with your significant other, or just for fun between your family or group of friends). As soon as I finished I wanted to share my results with those around me and curious to hear the results of my good friends. 

Just for my own reference so I never forget these (and because I'm sure you readers are dying to know all about me!) ... lol, I'll be sharing my top 5, as well as the tidbits from each that stood out most to me. It's interesting because we actually had to read this book for a course I took in high school and I still have it at home. I was comparing my results to the ones I got today (almost 7 years later) and 3 of my 5 strengths have remained the same. The other two are completely new! And in a new order too. Here it goes: 

1) Empathy

People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others’ lives or others’ situations.

What stood out most: Chances are good that you are attuned to the full gamut of human feelings. Whenever your own or someone else’s life becomes emotionally barren, you search for people and activities to fill the void. You bring people together. Because of your strengths, you frequently detect impending conflict sooner than most people do. Your keen awareness allows you to sense what others are thinking and feeling. Simply put: You have a gift for helping people find common ground. By nature, you pay attention to what others think. You make them feel valued. Typically people sense that you appreciate what they say. This probably explains why many people enjoy spending time with you.

2) Harmony

People who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.

What stood out the most: You realize everyone sees opportunities, problems, solutions, and events differently. While you have opinions, you refrain from imposing them on others. You are good-natured — that is,you have a pleasant, cheerful, and cooperative disposition. Chances are good that you accomplish everything that others are counting on you to do. This is one reason why people admire you. 

3) Connectedness

People who are especially talented in the Connectedness theme have faith in the links between all things. They believe there are few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason.

What stood out the most: Driven by your talents, you sense that everything in life is somehow interrelated and interdependent. This idea fortifies you to calmly face most of life’s challenges and difficulties. ... By nature, you naturally build bonds that unite different types of people who have separate and often clashing agendas. You naturally identify with someone’s situation. You have a gift for helping people discover what they have in common. 

4) Consistency

People who are especially talented in the Consistency theme are keenly aware of the need to treat people the same. They try to treat everyone in the world with consistency by setting up clear rules and adhering to them.

What stood out the most: You might worry that chaos will reign when regulations or standard operating procedures are not uniformly enforced. Because of your strengths, you may have a reputation for straightening up certain types of things such as your desk, home, and personal items. Perhaps you have a detailed plan or schedule for cleaning, organizing, and maintaining your physical environment. By nature, you like creating familiar patterns of behavior. (dead on!) 

5) Communication 

People who are especially talented in the Communication theme generally find it easy to put their thoughts into words. They are good conversationalists and presenters.

What stood out the most: Instinctively, you very much enjoy the animated give-and-take of a lively discussion. You yearn to spend time with your friends. Their absence saddens you. It’s very likely that you are sometimes open and honest about who you are, what you have done, what you can do, and what you cannot do. Maybe your straightforward explanations and stories help listeners see you as you see yourself.

Perhaps your words and examples move them to action. Because of your strengths, you like to
amuse people with your stories. Your stories probably provide people with pleasant distractions from their daily routines and worries. Chances are good that you select the right combination
of words to convey your ideas or feelings. You probably express yourself with ease and grace.

----

That's me! Reading these strengths and diving deep into discovering them is one step closer into figuring out who I am and now the challenge is to BE me with no hesitation, fear, or care about who will accept and and who wont. It's liberating. 

#sfdigs

I think it's safe to say it's finally time for an update from the Tiger's Den. (Yes, I named my apartment -- because, why not?). It's been almost six months now and the details are all slowly coming together. There's still a lot I want to add to fine-tune my vision, but lets be real, this get expensive! The great thing is that I was able to find a lot of my accent pieces from Target (Nate Berkus collection for the win!). Everything else is things I had from home or from when I was in college. I think the only thing I splurged on was my Anthropologie comforter.  Other than that, my accent wall is in still in progress but I'm so pleased with the first four pieces that came together. Not to mention the people some of them came from!

Flower print taken by one of my biggest inspirations, Delbarr Moradi //"Let's Stay Home" off Etsy -- probably my favorite piece in my room so far. Describes me to the T  // (Thank you, Elms, for the find).

Breaking Bad vintage wall art from Vietnam via my soul sister

#wheninvegas (AKA: The Time I Kissed a Backstreet Boy)

Sometimes in life, the spontaneous decisions end up being the most memorable. I'm not talking about going out on a whim and doing something stupid without any wisdom (i.e. the YOLO mentality that so many teens have today), BUT sometimes a little adventure with wisdom is worth it all.

It all started when I went to go see the Backstreet Boys reunion tour this May. I've been a huge fan of them since I was like 7 yeas old, and I even went to see their reunion tour (the one without Kevin *tear* back in 2009). It just didn't do me justice. As soon as I heard they were coming back -- WITH Kevin -- I knew it would be epic. To put it simply, the show was amazing. Everything I could have hoped for. But for some reason it wasn't enough. At the end of the concert as we were leaving we saw this sign for an after party with the boys for $75. I think we were all so out of it/ tired/ on a high from the show that none of us really made a proactive decision to go to the party. The day passed, I go back to work; back to reality. For some reason that Tuesday at work I just had an itch. I wasn't done and wanted more BSB (cue my inner jr high fanatic, but that's what I felt!). Anyways, I randomly decided to check their tour dates that were still to come. Lo and behold, they were headed to Vegas for a show Friday and Saturday night. Mind you, I had never been to Vegas either and it was kind of like the stars just aligned -- I. Had. To. Go. Hand shaking, I took out my phone and texted a few of my girls to see if anyone would even be remotely down to join me on this adventure. After a few "are you crazy's?!" one of my really close friends texted back with a simple "YES." And the rest is history.

My friend Sep and I embarked on this entire fiasco, staying up til 1am that Tuesday night, booking tickets/ picking hotels/ dying of laughter at our spontaneity. Friday couldn't come any faster, but as soon as I got out of work that evening, it was on. We flew out and the plane ride itself was the beginning of a story that seems like it was almost out of a movie.

We ended up upgrading our seats a few rows so we moved up quite a bit. As soon as the plane was about to take off this woman comes rushing in, trying to catch the flight. As she's catching her breath she realizes her seat's been taken (right across us). Funny enough, the seat next to me was empty so she takes it. We don't talk the entire flight but as soon as we were landing, I peered out the window and was admiring the lights on the Strip. She asks, "Oh is this your first time in Vegas or something?" And I replied and told her surprisingly it was. She proceeded to ask if we were going to see any shows while there and I said, "Yeah, don't judge us but we're actually here to see the Backstreet Boys tomorrow night." She laughed and said, "Wow same here. I actually was just at their other show in the Bay Area last weekend too." Right then, Sep and I knew we had found a friend. Another believer, if you will ;) We went on to have a little bonding sesh and then found out the good stuff -- drumroll please -- she ended up being best friends with the Backstreet Boys' head of security. The second she said that I was like, ok this is it. We have to make something happen right now. Sadly she didn't offer any backstage access or a chance to get in the concert for free or any of my other fantasies so I gave up. We get off the plane, head out, and that's that. Suddenly, she asks us if we want to share a cab since our hotels were so close. We said sure and get in the cab. During the drive I noticed her texting a LOT. As soon as we were about to arrive at her stop, she turns to us and says, "What are both of your full names?" *Cue stars in eyes.* She goes on to say, "It's your first time in Vegas, I want to make it memorable — I'm getting you meet and greet passes to their after party tonight.

I kid you not, we were both like kids on Christmas morning, shocked with no words to express our joy. As soon as she got out of the cab and left, I started screaming like a true 11 year old girl. Our driver got back in the car and had to ask if everything was ok. LOL. We were beyond giddy. Now mind you, we had bought tickets to their concert and after party for Saturday night but this was Friday. So it wasn't even on our agenda but we just went with it. (In addition, we didn't even have a meet and greet ticket, just access to the party party, which we both had no idea what it would entail).

Even more funny, we come to realize that this after party is being held in our hotel. The hotel we randomly decided to pick out at 1am a few nights before. We check in around 11pm, get ready in a hurry, and rush over to the club. The line was out into the casino floor, but we went up with confidence and poise. In that moment I felt like true VIP royalty. As soon as we mentioned our connection's full name (after a minor glitch), it was like we were Obama and the First Lady. They opened up the velvet ropes, gave us every VIP/ backstage ticket possible and led us up the stairs through the elevator to the roof of the club.

And then it happened -- we met the boys. They walked in and for a second it almost felt like just seeing your friend out at a club and reconnecting. They were so friendly and down to earth that it seriously felt like we knew them. In that moment all I could ask myself was, "Ok what do you say to BSB?" And we just walked up to them as if they were our best friends -- "Hey guys!" -- to which I was greeted back with a "Hello beautiful" from Howie D. We took our photos, had a few moments with them (which of course, I couldn't contain myself long enough and blurted out a "I've been in love with you since I was 8" to Kevin).

The crazy thing was, maybe 2-3 people after us, they decided to shut down the photo taking since it was taking too long. The line still had maybe 50+ people in it. Again, divine favor or WHAT?! From that point on, the guys were literally partying with us in the club. We stayed out until 3am, watched Nick Carter DJ, and danced the night away. Which of course included following them around til we got a selfie with each and every one of them. And of course, I went in for the kiss with Kevin. Mind you, interesting point to note is that I was actually air kissing him but he leaned in for complete contact. [I can die happy.] It was epic to say the least.

We were on cloud 9. And this was only night one. Way to enter Vegas with a bang right? The rest of our trip consisted of hotel admiring, walking, pool lounging, eating, napping, and even me reuniting with a really good friend that I hadn't seen in ten years since our 8th grade graduation. It was perfect. The next night we went to the concert which was almost even better than the first one I went to. YET AGAIN, our lives were made when AJ decided to run off stage during one of their songs and run into the audience. Which row does he run to? Of course us. We were two away from the aisle too so he legit was in our faces, singing .. and holding the girl next to me. Like, I couldn't write this if I tried -- it was so so meant to be for us. And I'll leave it at that.

Finally, the last part of the whole trip -- which makes the above occurrences so much more worthwhile was when it was time to head to the after party (this was the one we actually had tickets for). We ended up making a stop at another club before the party, thinking it would be fine since the night before they strolled in around 1am. Long story short, we get back to the after party and see a pretty empty club. Barely any action and a slump in the all-around mood. We find out - they came for ~20 minutes, took a few photos, and left because it was their "mellow night" and they were tired of partying from the night before. No Nick DJing, no selfies with AJ, no kissies with Kevin. Imagine our dismay. Here we were, so confident from the night before, ready for part 2 with our boys -- and they were gone! All of these girls who had tickets to the after party were standing there in disappointment. I was on the edge of tears but kept telling myself, "Wait. Last night happened to you. Remember that."

And with that, we realized how kindred our decision to take this trip was. Everything that happened from start to finish was golden. It will seriously be an experience I treasure for a lifetime with a friend that was the perfect travel partner. In a sense it brought us even closer to share a memory like this together. It was seriously perfect. And while I'm pissed I had paid for a ticket to a party when they barely even showed up, the spontaneous memory I hold of how Friday night went down is probably one of the best moments I have to cherish. And makes for an epic story too, right?

The cherry on top of all of it was the way my cousin put it, "Imagine if you told 8 year old Naseem that this would happen to her one day." And that kind of just let it all sink in. As sad as one might think it seems, it truly was a "dream come true" in a sense. I wouldn't trade it for anything :) :)

#juicing -- the reality behind the hype

 

So last week I gave in to the hype and did a juice cleanse. I don't know what it was but everywhere around me the media is throwing the "health benefits" of juicing in your face. Add to that the pretty packaging of these $12 juices and you've got thousands of young women everywhere who are throwing their money to try a one or three-day cleanse. I personally chose to do the one day cleanse, mostly because I knew that I probably couldn't handle more than a day and also because I wasn't in that driven of a mood to go all out and starve myself for half a week. Here's the skinny: I. Felt. No. Different.

I'm not sure how much of cleansing becomes placebo because you're already in the mentality of detoxing and cleaning out your system, but to be honest I really felt no different. During the day, there were certain points where I felt lighter but only because I wasn't left with that "full" feeling after a meal. However, that feeling only lasts half an hour or so after a meal anyway -- you go walk it off, you go to the bathroom, whatever you gotta do. If anything I feel like it's sad that I practically starved myself for a day when  I could have been eating clean just to "detox" and try to shed some water weight. Not to mention the fruits and veggies pretty much lose all their fiber-value when you juice them.

I don't want to be completely negative about the experience because while nothing amazing happened -- nothing terrible happened either. I actually did the cleanse with two other co-workers. One of whom cleanses pretty regularly and LOVES it. The other was a guy and this was his first time doing it. He felt miserable to say the least. Even the next day at work he said he was exhausted. I felt bad for him because I wasn't dying by any extent, but I simply didn't feel much of anything. A lot of people might argue that you have to juice for 3 days minimum or a week to see results, but then I'm curious to ask what results are we searching for?

A friend posed his speculation really interestingly to me. He was telling me that there is no scientific proof currently about the nutritional value of a juice cleanse. He was reminding me how long certain medicines, herbs, and supplements take to become FDA-approved and for their health benefits to be tested and proven. He said, "what makes what you're doing different than me telling you to simply eat lettuce for 3 days straight?" That really opened my eyes to a different aspect of the whole fitness craze in general. I think as a society, girls especially, we're so antsy for the next big quick fix. And as soon as a craze hits the market we have to jump on the band wagon and try it out. (I'm guilty of it too, the sole reason I did this was to see what all the hype was about). But really, it's kind of sickening when you think about it. Aside from even "I want to lose weight" or "I want to clean out my system" -- what is it with us latching onto what society throws at us like leeches? I was depriving myself of food  that could have provided me with excellent nutritional value to drink 8 juices over 24 hours just because I was TOLD this is what's healthy right now.

My entire point with this post was to simply share my findings after trying the cleanse and remaining completely unbiased. To be truthful, I hoping to come out of it the next morning and feel AMAZING -- rejuvenated, energized, fulfilled, and lighter. I felt good but no different. In fact I kept asking myself, "So when am I going to feel something?" Again, I could definitely chalk it up to only doing it for a day but it's just so sad that all these businesses who are charging $65+ a day for a pack of juices are eating away at our wallets and we're so quick to believe them and jump right in. It's simple: want to change your health habits and eat healthier? Cut out the junk and start exercising. Nothing extreme about it. And trust me the results appear sooner than you might think. Anyways, enough soap box. But I had to share.

I challenge you to think the next time you're about to allow yourself to get influenced into something. The media is smart and it's scary. It's in a constant attempt to get us all to look the same, eat the same, talk the same, and think the same. Don't conform.

#change

Yes, it's definitely been a minute since my last post. I'm slowly coming up on three months officially living in the city. Can't express enough how this has truly been one of the best decisions I ever made. I feel so much growth within the last few months and so much of an internal thirst for more. I'm slowly starting to ask myself the hard questions, like what it is I like, who I want to be around, the people I choose to invest in, the things I spend my time doing, etc. The more and more I work, the more I realize how precious our time is. So much of the week is automatically given away to working so when it comes to time off and the weekends, that's when I've really been focused on making my time count.

Living in the city on my own, I've had the perfect balance of feeding both my introvert side & my extravert side. It's funny how much we can change as we grow older, and now being in my mid-20's I can safely safe I've shifted into a 50/50 split of the two personality types. Being here, sometimes I just have those days where I'll take a walk to the Marina by myself and just sit out by the water and soak it all in. Or walking on the way home and people watching down Fillmore St. and seeing how much life goes on all around me. Aside from that, it's been so good to invest time in friends who I don't get to see as much. It's funny, when I was still living fully at home with the parents I wouldn't see a lot of my friends that often who lived maybe 10-15 min away (I think it's just taking it for granted that you live so close and then life gets busy).. but after moving up, I ended up seeing some of these people even more than I did when I was living at home. You almost make more of an effort because life does get so chaotic. It feels really good to have those friendships that stick out like that... people actually caring to invest themselves in your life and ask about your day to day and keep up with it. That effort goes such a long way, and as humans, we're bound to get moved by the reciprocation -- after all, that's what we're after. There are some people in my life in this past year alone that have made an everlasting mark because of how supportive they were through some of the toughest times. These are friends that weren't necessary the ones I happened to grow up with my whole life or ones that I happen to do life with on the daily -- some were even friends of friends who I happened to click with in an instant. Just seeing the mark those people made on my life as I look back a year ago til today, I am nothing but thankful. It's taught me a lesson in being open to change. Being open to getting to know anyone, regardless of how different you might think the two of you might be on the outside based on surface circumstances like your age or walk of life.

I think the hardest topic for me to think/write about (aside from life passions and what I really want to do with my life -- which we shall leave for another blog post for the sake of my sanity, hehe), is change. Change in the smallest sense like my favorite TV show changing its theme song after a season or two (here's looking at you Felicity and One Tree Hill), or change in the larger sense like not being as close with people you once did life with. Lately one of the things I've been pondering about has been the change I've seen in my social circles. Sometimes it feels like I live two lives. Not in the sense of living a double life or anything like that, but living in two cities, having two rooms, a work life, a family life, a set of friends here, one there -- it's all been so non-linear that it's interesting. For lack of a better word. And yet even alongside the busyness and action-packed life I lead, there are times when I've sat and questioned "where do I belong?" I think growing up with the social groups that are a norm for our society today leads to this type of questioning. We grow up and head off to these institutions like middle school/ high school/ church/ the soccer team, and we're immediately told to start making friends and forming groups. For me especially, I always always had a big group of friends surrounding me. More often than that, these were obviously people who had a ton in common with me and were headed in the same direction for the most part. However, as we grow older, I've realized that this is where the change kicks in like a bitter pill to swallow. We all have that deciding moment to figure out what it is we want for ourselves. Where we want to go, who we want to be. We start asking all these questions surrounding our identity. From college to now (and esp. now), I've had the change kick in the most. It saddens me that I am such a nostalgic person because I notice  how much this kind of stuff effects me more than those around me. Sometimes it's so hard to even express how I feel because I don't think others would even get it. But I get so nostalgic for the old times that it definitely hurts. I miss my old group of friends. I miss the people I grew up with and did 10+ years of my life with.

People who would say they consider you "family" or a "sister." It's funny because now at 24, almost 25, I realize how loosely we throw around words like that. And it's so sad because it cheapens the value of words like that so much. One second it's this clique we consider our bffs/ family and then a year later we aren't even talking to that person and moved on to the next clique. It's really allowed my eyes to be opened to the fact that as life changes and we grow up, we begin to find that sometimes we don't even need a group anymore. We need that one, two, or three constants who are always going to be there and have made it clear that they're not going anywhere. Sure, everyone wants to have that TV glamorized clique of friends like how the Kardashian sisters make it seem or the girls on Laguna Beach, but lets be real, this isn't reality TV -- this is reality.

I've finally started to slowly start losing my grip on holding so tightly to the past. Yes, the memories will always remain and always be epic to look back on. And yes, if I could, I would repeat those instances in a second because of how joyful they made me. But am I going to keep missing out on the present because I'm holding onto missing the past? No. Not anymore. I've realized I'm done trying to control things as much as I have in the past. I came across this amazing quote that says,

"If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth."

 So powerful. And at the end of the day, the hard part of this quote to walk away with is the truth in that not everyone will know our worth. People will always disappoint. That's why we can't put our worth in people alone or even let them have that control. So I'll end with this and bring it full circle. Thanks to good old Socrates for putting the secret to change so perfectly. We need to stop living in the past and holding on so tightly to what's already changed. Yes, people may leave, people may change, situations can totally erupt, explode, or implode. But the key is focusing on building the present and the future. 

I never want to miss out on the beauty that is to come in my life. I am so blessed to have the people in my life who are in it right now and who have made a lasting mark, especially in such a season of change (har har) for me. I may not have that clique anymore like the kids in high school or those girls you grew up with, because lets be real we're all in different chapters at the moment. But having the few who have made it known they're here to stay has been so comforting. And even bigger than that, this has all taught me so much about independence and finding myself apart from people. I don't think that it's any accident at all that I'm in the spot where I am. I know God knows what He's doing and I trust in that. The changes are good and they're going to bear so much fruit in the long run. I just needed to shift my perspective. And I'm finally ready to let go and move forward with a new set of eyes now. <3

#citylife

 

Today marks day 20 of me moving to San Francisco. Yes, I am a slacker, I have no excuse for being so late on a life update, but hey better late than never. I still cannot even begin to process the fact that I live here now. It has been one of the best decisions I ever made. Best of all, it's been such a breath of fresh air to get away from the bubble I've grown up in my whole life and venture out to see the rest the world (ironically, looks like sometimes you only need to get an hour away and you'll still feel the change of pace). SF couldn't be more different than what I'm used to. Some nights I remember taking the train home from work and getting to my driveway back home and being in total suburbia ..... and just needing to take a moment to soak it all in because it's those moments where I feel like I have two different lives going on.

It's been so much more convenient moving here and I feel like with every aspect of life I have more of a sync and balance. Who knew knocking of 3 hours of commuting a day would have such an effect. I've been walking to work every day, admiring the gorgeous Civic Center buildings on my walk over and just admiring the city's livelihood, no matter what the hour.

Even with work I feel so much more stimulated now. I still have those long hours but I almost don't even mind it anymore since my commute has shortened so much and I'm lucky enough to work with people I love so it's a fun time regardless.

I feel like the adventures are just beginning. There have been so many wish-list places on my endless SF exploration list, but I've experienced so many of them so far. Some of the best foods, fancy dinners, hole in the walls -- the list goes on. I think my favorite part though has been the proximity to my friends. I'm like smack in the middle of 4-5 really close friends so the best part has been walking to their place for a movie night or just having people to hang out with anytime you want.

I'm going to keep this one short since I'm still soaking in so much from this experience, but to sum it all up, it's been absolutely perfect thus far. I'm so happy about using this time to grow both in my work and personally... and I know this move and change in independence is going to play a huge role in the growth process. The best is yet to come.

#newyearnewme

"New Year, New Me" -- probably one of the most reused sayings when it comes to bringing in the new year. I think the notion behind it is actually very beautiful. Celebrating the end of an era and starting fresh with a brand new chapter; it gives us reason to want to re-invent ourselves, almost like a blank slate. 2013 is dunzo and it's been a little under a week that we've peered into 2014, yet it already feels like such a change compared to this past year.

I had one of the wildest years of my life. One that I think stands out dramatically from the rest when I look back. Turning 24 at the end of this past year set things in motion for a dramatic change come these next few months. SO much change has happened. I took one of the biggest leaps of faith 8 months ago and opted to take an internship, which in turn led to being hired permanently as a content writer for my dream company. Words can't express how much of a blessing that has been. Not only that, but it's a literal dream come true for me because I'm now in the process of preparing to move to the city in less than a month. It feels so surreal. That's been something I've dreamt of since college days and now it's a reality. I'm so glad I had the experience of commuting and living life within the city before opting to actually move there. I figured out what I wanted and what I didn't, and now the pieces just seem to fit so well.

At the start of every new year, we've been taught to come up with our list of resolutions. For me, I don't like saying things and then not keeping them because it only leads to regret at the end of that year, but lets face it, you're more inclined to go after these resolutions if you write them out and make them goals. I don't have like a top ten list or anything, but these are a few of the things I'm really set out to aspire to accomplish in 2014:

1) Travel more. In 2013 another dream that came true for me was my trip to NYC. It's funny because I think that's so normal to some people who have had the luxury of traveling a lot and having lavish vacations all their lives, but for me big vacations are something we tend to do once every two years or so. In 2012 it was two weeks in Europe which was AMAZING, but this trip to NYC was something different. The fact that I was able to plan it all and pay for all of it on my own was so rewarding. It was just me and one dear friend and we made the MOST of our 3 days there. I will never forget that trip. It made me realize how much I value self-discovery while traveling. It's something I want to invest my money in and make sure to cross one trip off my list each year from now on. That makes 2014 very exciting to look forward to:)

2) Be completely present, no matter where I am. I have made this mistake on numerous occasions throughout my life. I tend to let my curiosity, or my "fear of missing out" (coined in pop culture as FOMO lately), get the best of me. I want to resolve in 2014 to be 100% present no matter where I am. Especially with this move to SF, I want to savor every single moment of it. From moving in, to the weeknights coming back to my neighborhood after work, to spending some weekends venturing out on my own -- I want all of it to be an adventure that I can look back on and reflect on true self-discovery and growth as a person. No more worry about not being invited to this/ missing out on that event back home/ wishing I was somewhere that I'm not. Instead just full devotion to the present and what a gift that truly is.

3) Last but not least (since the rest are random and borderline embarrassing like learning to play guitar and whatnot lol), I want to fully accept and come to terms with the truth that "Timing is Everything." One of the toughest lessons I've had to learn has been giving up my own control; letting go and letting God. Call it the perfectionist in me or maybe it's this fear of having to settle or compensate.. but I've always wanted things to go the way I've imagined them. This truth about timing was made very clear to me a few days before the New Year. Truth be told, it was actually a tough word to receive because come on, in reality, we don't really like hearing that we have to simply sit back and just wait for God to open doors in His timing. That's so unknown! But that's what a step of faith looks like. It's confidence in the unknown and unseen. I think this past year I've been so preoccupied with worry.. wondering when my time will come for certain things and that's led to major comparison to others around me, which in turn, has led to a depletion of joy. But towards the end of 2013, it just clicked that this is a notion I have to walk with every day --> let go of your own control and trust that the best is yet to come and the best is in store. Why would I doubt that for a second? The fear is crippling, I can vouch for that first hand. The fear of "what if it isn't what I hoped for?" //"what if I feel like I'm settling?"// "When will it come?" -- I mean the list goes on. There is so much fear in the unknown. But I realized I can either spend a year in confusion and anxiety about this, or I can live in joy knowing it's in God's hands and that He will give me the desires of my heart once I delight solely in Him. It's a hard pill to swallow.. but it's such a challenge. I can think of 20 different things that I've allowed my heart to "delight in" over Him sometimes. It's a good reality check to go back and reevaluate these things, and that's what I've been doing as the year started.

I know this year is going to be different, yet so much better than before. I don't believe I need to become a "new me" as the new year has started, yet I'm so thankful that I can take the old me and add to her what amazing lessons I've learned in 2013 and the ones I will continue to learn in 2014. That's what I mean when I say new me.. Same person, but new lessons learned. New growth. New ways of reacting to things in different ways than I would in years past. No more comparisons, no more fear.

Photo credit: Logan Cole Photography

#breathe

  "Trying to find your worth based on human rank is never going to satisfy or fill the void that rejection my have left in our hearts. It's chasing the wind."

#speakup

I think it's good to sometimes take a breather from the day to day and focus on the little things that make us happy. I've been thinking a lot lately about how consumerism has had such a hand in changing the socioeconomic status of our present day and age. There seems to be no work/life balance at the office — instead, it's looked down upon if you want to leave work early to go spend time your family. We're forced into this bubble of conforming to what's considered the "norm" and we stay silent and simply, "go with the flow." Why? It weirds me out that we're so often too timid to question the societal norms that are already in place. We justify it by seeing that everyone else is going along with it and no one's complaining so hey, looks like we're all on board. When in reality how many people are actually feeling the same way I do inside but no one's bold enough to voice it? Not sure where I'm going with this but woke up this morning with a deep frustration for the intimidation/ fear traps we box ourselves into.

Cool segway into the new music I'm listening to because ironically enough, the album I'm most excited about this fall is M.I.A.'s "Mathangi." Call her what you will (and I do admit she can go way over the top sometimes), but one reason I respect this artist SO much is that she isn't afraid to speak her mind. In the midst of a media culture that's entrapped in the "twerking culture" and hoping to get 5 min of fame by performing like a stripper at an awards show (Miley, here's looking at you), this girl is standing firm for what she believes in and calling out society for exactly what it is. It's funny because when I started listening to her back in 2005 I was a freshman in high school. I can't begin to say how much she's opened my eyes to since then. It's funny because for some all it takes is something small to do so. And for me, it was the amazing music of this talented artist who not only mixed some of the most unique sounds -- but also sang about something ACTUALLY important.

Sometimes it's only 1 line from her songs that challenges me for an entire day to stop and think:

"Your shoes could feed a village; you should think about that."

I feel bad for people who even waste their time sucked into the music on the radio these days because the value of the lyrics they're listening to is quite frankly, garbage. [And hey, guilty as charged, I'm the last to talk because I'm sucked into it daily as well -- it's literally like a web you can't get out of. And half the time we're completely dazed as to how/why we even got there in the first place].

Of course, in no way am I saying we should buy into every conspiracy theory out there or become an anarchist by any means; those are way too extreme. What I AM saying is we should be challenged to do our own research daily and call things out when they need to be. Not sure where you stand politically? Do your research. Not sure if you agree with a certain war or why we're forming alliances w/ said nation -- research. Don't just go with the flow of what the media tells you is appropriate to believe. After all, the media is at the top of the hierarchical pyramid of institutions that are more censored and more biased than you would EVER think.

Not sure why I got on this rant and it's random of me to even go this deep into it on a random Wednesday morning, but hey, gotta keep it true. Once I start writing it just flows out like floodgates.

Happy hump day. Oh, and look for MIA's album released in early November :) meanwhile, half the track list has been leaked via soundcloud so take a listen.

#loneliness

I watched this amazing video this morning and I suggest anyone who has 3 minutes to spare give it a peek: [vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/70534716 w=500&h=281]

It's fittingly titled, "The Innovation of Loneliness" -- a three minute speech by the talened Shimi Cohen who designed the graphics of the video as well as narration.

Loneliness has been a topic I've always been interested in exploring. Partially because I think it's part of the human condition. The video beautifully illustrates how our current generation adheres so strongly to the belief that the more connected we are, the more happy we will be -- and ultimately, the less lonely. The facts denote that a human being usually maintains a social circle up to 150 people. It's almost impossible to maintain deep ties with any number more than that for the average person. When I think about that number I'm actually pretty shocked -- 150 people is a LOT. In fact, with a stat like that it's almost humorous that we see so many people suffering from loneliness with a supposed social circle that high in number.

The reason? Quantity over quality. We're so busy chasing after this fantasy of a million likes, tags, comments, friend requests, and connections that our entire purpose becomes finding an identity within this world of "tech affirmation" which I like to call it. I won't even call out just the younger teens for doing this because it's seriously an issue even among young adults. We're yearning to create this identity for ourselves based on the affirmation we get over the web. Daily it's a scramble to check Instagram to make sure our "selfie" got 50+ likes or that our status update is being approved by the rest of our social network. If not, we're quick to feel self conscious, inferior -- so much so that some even go to the extreme of deleting something because of fear of rejection (guilty as charged).  It's honestly sickening if you really stop and think about it.

The video goes on to explain this tech hub we're living in and how much the need for MORE friends/fans/ likes has actually done the opposite of what we hoped for -- it's led to more loneliness. Why? Lets face it, online we've created a medium where conversation can be edited, dumbed down, and presented just the way we want it. It's almost become difficult for some to carry on a conversation in person now. Lets face it, how many times have you hung out with friends recently and everyone's on their phone? Or attempting to take the perfect photo for Instagram so much so that it takes away from the actual experience of hanging out.

Enough of my soap box, but this video really stuck out to me and shed light on such an interesting paradox. We're so after defeating loneliness -- to the point that our social networks have super-sized. Yet, it's all an illusion of the even more magnified loneliness that's lingering. When all the "likes" and "notifications" stop coming and we're left alone at home in a moment of silence, do we then feel satisfied? Or even more empty than before? Are we comfortable and at peace being with just ourselves. Is that enough or is the craving for more and more what's driving you?

The last line of the video put it best. And which is what sparked a desire in me to even write this blog post: " If we are not able to be alone, we're only going to know how to be lonely." Let that sink in.

#newchapter

 

Tomorrow marks the start of a new chapter in my life. I can't explain the ways in which the past year and a half has been... a whirlwind.. to say the least. Every month it seems like there's been something new going on. It's weird, being 23, the past year has been the one where I've felt the most sudden spurt of growing older. Usually every year that goes by, I don't necessarily feel THAT much older. If anything, I'll look back later and feel semi-older. But for some reason with 23 it's literally been a growth process with something new every week it seems like. I've been so stretched and so challenged -- so forced to make certain changes.

It's so funny how things work out though. I'm such a big believer in the fact that we cease to see the full picture that God has set apart for us. We can choose to remain stagnant, get caught up in our comfort zones, or even distractions that seem like fun while we're in the heat of the moment. That was me the past 6 months. It's truly been a trying time for me. I can honestly say though that I feel so blessed that I've had the opportunity to test out so many different things at only age 23. I've tried working corporate, being in a research lab, doing administrative work, event planning, and even in the mental health sector. All of which have been opportunities that I have been extremely passionate about and interested in. For me, beginning my Master's program at the start of 2013 was something that I thought was really what was meant for me in this next phase of life. After half a year into it though, the past quarter I realized that I may have rushed into it. I'm not as dead set on going into counseling as an official career as I was back then. And I think it was the experience of school and the exposure to the industry that really allowed me to see this. I can't stress how important experiences are.. I feel so bad for people who simply rush into something just because they have a mental picture of what they think it's going to be like. Honey, will are in for a rude awakening. And thankfully, I was blessed enough to realize that this might not be meant for me at such a young age and only 2 quarters in. I realized -- school will always be there. Now is the time to live life to the FULLEST and chase after being truly alive. That's when writing came back into play.

I think the thing is that I have always felt fearful about going full force with the writing thing. I can compare it to my friend who is an amazing singer and has all the potential in the world to be the world's next big star (i'm dead serious). But I think it's that initial fear of exposure and intimidation that holds us back. We're so quick to go after things we know we will thrive in. For instance, I knew I could be successful in the corporate world doing sales/admin and I was. But I wasn't happy. Why? It's not something I'm passionate about at ALL! There's no driving passion behind what I was doing. And for me, I am one of those people who has to be doing something I'm passionate about. After all, don't our careers compose over 70% of our day to day lives? You want to be doing something you love. So that's when I decided to go on a limb and just start applying. After trying so many different routes, opportunities, and crossing out 3084 plans on my to-do list, I realized: It. Always. Comes. Back. To. Writing.

And that's where we come full circle to the amazing opportunity I am starting tomorrow. You may have read my past few posts about feeling so restless and lethargic here. My heart and soul have been yearning for adventure and new explorations. I was itching for it. And lo and behold the right door opened up. I will officially be an editorial content writer for an amazing start-up in SF for the next 10 weeks. Finally, a solid step in the right direction to set my feet on a firm foundation for the career I want to seek after. I can't explain how humbled I am to be given this opportunity -- among over 200 candidates! It's been such a confidence booster and a push in my drive and ambition to use the next 10 weeks to grow in my niche and develop the skills I need to thrive in the writing world. We shall see. I'll never know until I try and now is that time. Meanwhile, my main inner circle is all getting domesticated; having kids & getting married (and yes, literally it's all of them)... so I do feel the yearning even more to remember to DO ME. It's so incredibly hard not to get caught up in the status quo and think you're the minority since you're not going with the crowd. But this constant reminder to myself is what has kept me going and helped to maintain my perspective. It's ongoing. This is my life. Yes, it looks a lot different from yours. I'm not the girl that went all her life "knowing" her destiny was to be a lawyer or engineer. I'm a trailblazer. I'm curious. I'm analytical. I like options, testing the waters, and being sure of myself. This opportunity could not have come at a more perfect time for me. It's almost like I'm literally going to be shutting out the rest of the distractions and people who have been negative energy in my life and just going full force with my eye on the prize towards what I want.

I'll be posting more often now that I begin this adventure. The best part of all of it is I literally got my dream come true with it being in San Francisco. It's so funny because for most people location isn't a main driving force and they could care less -- for me, my heart lies in San Fran. I have such a deep love for it and it truly makes me come alive anytime I'm there. The rich culture. The diversity. The LIFE in the streets you walk in; makes such a difference. My goal from March was to find the right job there and to move out there to begin this next chapter. And funny enough, it only took a few months for God to open that perfect door for me. Little by little, the search will officially begin to get settled out there but for now  I'm just ready to embark on this adventure and truly get serious about starting my career. I'm no longer in college and no longer in a place of just chilling around and being lazy all day. Sadly, those days are over ;)

But I know the rewards and growth to come are going to be so worth it. Finally, I've realized what matters most is going after our heart's desire and not letting others control us (whether that's our happiness, joy, or what we do). Don't be so quick to give anyone that honor. Protect yourself and guard yourself. By doing that since the start of 2013, I can't even explain the amount of inner growth I've had and the realizations that are so much more clear to me. It's as if I had blinders on before and now I'm seeing crystal clear. To sum this all up I'll leave you with this: for my college entrance essay way back when in 2008, one of my prompts was to write about some song lyrics that speak to me and have significant meaning in my life. I chose, "Let Go" by Frou Frou. A song that I can honestly say has guided me throughout my teen-young adult life. And even now, coming to this juncture in my life, I can say with confidence that I now know exactly what it means when they sing "there's beauty in the breakdown." Amidst a literal breakdown and whirlwind of a life, I've found the beauty and sunlight beaming in through the thicket. And it's the most peaceful illustration I can leave you with.

xox.

#justforfun

Today my cousin & I got super spontaneous and decided mid-day to head off for a beach day together. It was crazy that in mid-January, the weather was absolutely amazing! The sun was out, people were surfing on the waves, and we enjoyed sitting back, eating lunch together, overlooking the ocean. It was such a fun day and just allowed me to once again realize the power in spontaneity and being adventurous. Especially for us Californians, the beach is our backyard, yet I visit so seldom! The character of Capitola is absolutely precious -- every nook and cranny makes you feel like you're walking through a small European city. All mom& pop shops and natives! Of course my cousin is quite the up and coming photographer, so I had a ton of fun being her model for the day ;) All photo cred goes to : Sanna Nour Photography! I'm loving the new perspective I've been living out the past few weeks. I'm doing all I can to better myself, be my own best friend, and just figure things out. It's tough in your early 20's (who knew!?), but I'm getting the hang of it and I'm so motivated with the growth that God is doing in me. In every aspect there's a new lesson He's been revealing to me and it's finally now (after years) that I'm looking to grasp these lessons with a grain of salt & humility. Change is good.... the best is yet to come!

#newyear

Happy new year to all of you! Wow, I can't believe we're in our first week of 2013. I can honestly say that 2012 was the most fast paced year of my life. Not in the sense that so much was going on that it seemed to fly by -- because it was actually one of the slowest years but when I look back on it as a whole. But just as a year in itself, I can't believe how quick the year went by. To say the least, 2012 wasn't really my year. I went through a lot of transitions, both personally and just some major life changes. Some that not many people know about and others that allowed me to get even closer to my friends and family through them. All in all, it was like a drought season for me and I was so ready to enter into 2013. With this year, I already KNOW it's going to be great. I went into it anticipating the best and already I feel so refreshed and ready to tackle on some new beginnings.

2013 for me is going to my no-BS year. Everything I want to try, I'm going to go full force into without fear. Without fear of what man might think, without fear of failure, and without fear of the "what if." For so long I've lived with fear being a deciding factor for me. I look back and shake my head in disappointment at how much I have let others be a controlling force in my life. So often I've fallen into the peer pressure of what others might think; what if what I want to do isn't socially accepted? What if no one is down? What if I'm the only one? I'm so over caring and so over trying to fit into this mold of what "fun" is or what we are "supposed" to be doing in our 20's.

I saw a movie trailer today and in one scene these teens walk into a typical college "rager" and one guy turns to the other and says, "See, this is what fun looks like." With the most dazed and confused expression. I'm tired of turning to other people for them to define for me what fun looks like. 2013 is my year with no excuses. I'm doing what I want and what gives me the absolute joy and fulfillment. This year I want to learn guitar and sing along with it. This year I will start my graduate program getting my Master's degree in Psychology. This year I am going to get serious about getting in shape. This year I am going to write more. This year I want to obtain the full amount of self confidence possible and not let fear or intimidation be a hindrance anymore. This year I will be JOYFUL and an example to those around me. This year I will make sacrifices because I know the blessings that will follow.

Bring it. I'm ready.

Removing "Fine" From your Vocabulary

"Your problem isn't your ideas -- your problem is that you don't act on them" It's so funny that my post this morning was regarding an itch for exploration and adventure. I just got done listening to a TED Talk that honestly shifted my entire perspective about so much and also challenged me hardcore. Mel Robbins, in 20 minutes, put it so simply. Am I okay with being just "fine" when people ask me how I'm doing? How can I get outside being just "fine" and make my ideas come to life? It is SIMPLE, but it is not EASY. It takes force. It takes getting outside of my comfort zone. It takes acting upon my impulses and taking chances.

"When we feel stuck or dissatisfied it's because we are depriving ourselves of our humanly desire and need for exploration" -- this line spoke to me so much. It's so true. I highly encourage watching this short motivational talk to check you and challenge you to step outside of what you're comfortable with and what you're used to, to get exactly what you want. It is quite simple, you just have to make the active decision to physically and mentally chase after what you want.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp7E973zozc&w=560&h=315]

wedding adventures

My holiday weekend was a whirlwind of events. Starting off where I left off in my last post, I was in the airport on Thanksgiving night about to board a flight for Michigan, to join my extended family for my cousin's wedding. I'm back home now and finally adjusted from the jet lag and ready to tell-all!

This past weekend was seriously one of the best times of my life. It's so funny how the little things end up mattering the most. Of course a wedding is nothing little -- but simply the notion of being amidst your entire extended family for three full days was something else. I tend to forget how priceless moments like that are. It was so fun because the entire wedding party, the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents; ALL of them, were in the same hotel. So the night before the wedding we had a huge suite where we had a little soiree for all the guests. It was perfect because so many family members from the bride and groom's side were meeting for the first time so it was a good mini ice breaker for everyone.

The funnest part for me was being able to take the elevator up and down at any hour and visit my uncle, visit my cousins, and just simply have all of us able to hang out all together for 3 full days. It's almost like when you go on a huge trip with a bunch of your family or close friends; you're together in a tight space for the full duration of the trip that once you get home you're stuck feeling a little lonely from missing them.

The wedding itself was breath taking to say the least. My cousin and aunt are masterminds at DIY and party planning and they executed one of the most creative and beautiful wedding ceremonies I have ever seen. It took place at the Detroit Institute of the Arts which is a museum, and so the wedding itself was amidst one of the exhibit halls.. It was almost like a rustic dungeon type of feel; very enchanting. I loved it.

This also marked the first time that I was a bridesmaid maid of honor! It was so fun and such a legit honor to be a part of my cousin's wedding. She and her husband only had 4 people in their bridal party; their brothers and their 2 cousins (me!) So it was truly an honor to be included above all their close friends and colleagues... I saw how much family means to them. Some of the highlights included helping my cousin as she was getting ready in the morning, taking photographs of her (which turned out amazing if I do say so myself), and catching the bouquet! It was such a touching moment for both me and for the bride. She said she felt like I was going to get it and inside of course I wanted it too! It seriously came right to me. It was so sweet seeing how happy our grandparents and moms were too. Such a memorable moment for me <3

Other than that, my biggest take away is just sitting back and reflecting on how important and irreplaceable family is. No matter what. It's funny because my older cousin (the bride), and I have never been "the best of friends." She's 4 years older than me and her brother & I are the same age so it's always been us two who usually hang out more. But over this past weekend I saw how untouchable the bond is between cousins. Especially for us because I only have 4 first cousins, and the other two live in Iran. So these two are literally like my siblings. Being able to take part in her wedding and on her side for the entire thing was such an honor to me.

Included are some of my photographs for your viewing pleasure. Truly an amazing weekend spent with my family. I will never forget it!!

Happy Sunday :)

Hola Bloggers, Hope you're all having a restful Sunday. Sundays are slowly becoming one of my favorite days of the week. Over the past year, my grandparents actually moved here from Canada and now live in an apartment 2 minutes away from my family's home. Since then, we've made it a family ritual to have lunch with them every Sunday afternoon after church. It's so fun for my grandma too because she loves spending all morning in the kitchen, preparing the most scrumptious foods for us to enjoy. When we go we usually just spend the entire afternoon lounging around their tiny 1 bedroom :) All 6 of us. Usually because we're so stuffed from the amazing Persian food, we will all pass out in one corner of the room and take a good old cat nap. I love that it's become tradition for us. I live for family traditions. Not only that, it's just been something I've taken for granted so many years... actually having a set time for "Family Time" has been such a blessing. When I was younger I was always made fun of because I'd always be the one leaving to go home for family time after church, instead of staying to hang out with my friends. It was always so annoying to me but every since I was in college and now afterward, I see what a blessing it is. At the end of the day, family is all you have. The only constant, the only supporters that you have 100% through the good, bad, and the ugly. I feel so honored that my parents instilled these values in me from such a young age, because now I'm going to pass those along to my own kids and also keep these traditions alive.

What are some of your family traditions? I think I'm going to do a blog post listing some of ours now that I think about it!

xoxo.

pieces of me

Last night while I was cleaning out my closet I dove right into doing one of my favorite things; reading through my old journals and my old snail mail. I've kept every journal I've had since I was about 13-14 years old, as well as a big suitcase full of all my old cards from birthdays to "thinking-of-you's." I love going through my journals especially and either a) laugh at myself for the things I was worried about back then or b) check myself on the fact that I still am dealing with some of the same things that I need to break free from and address even now. It's funny because we will never stop going through tough times in life. Obviously, life isn't perfect and the world isn't a perfect place. I think sometimes we think we are entitled to that perfect life, free from the internal stress and worry that we so often allow to control our lives. But the reality is this: no, life isn't perfect, but through life's experiences we are given tools and keys to learn to break free and rise above. I think that's the beauty on being able to go back and reflect. I look and see so many areas where hard times were able to give me a new perspective; a new light was shed onto the issue. And there are also the times where I've looked back and I see that I'm still dealing with the same thing. It's in those areas that I realize I still need a new outlook; I still need to see why God's allowing this trial to persist. The trials are never to harm us or lead us to failure. Instead, they're areas where we can develop in our character and perseverance.

--This is an excerpt from a poem I wrote back in 2010. It's crazy that when I was reading this last night, I felt so many of the same emotions that I felt while I was writing this 2 years ago. To look back and be able to tell myself this now, especially while going through a similar season, is SUCH a breath of fresh air. * I apologize in advance for the one usage of profanity-- it should say "BS" instead of the actual word; I in no way want to condone cussing, but I wanted to be vulnerable and share this piece of me.*

transitions

- So, sadly there's no new episode of Parenthood tonight and I think that a personal post is long overdue.. so I thought might as well get right to it. I've had a crazy couple of months when I take the time to sit back and recollect my thoughts on the past few months. Actually make that the past year. I still can't fathom how fast 2012 has flown by. I feel like I experience this every year, but honestly with year I think that it's been the fastest. I look back on how quickly each month flew by and all of the transitions that I've made in only a year.

Starting with graduating from college in December 2011 and moving back home to living with my parents, that was a big one. In my life I've always had my paths sort of set in front of me. It was always, get good grades and aim for the best and then when you're there, start that process over again for the next big thing. I have lived and breathed this cycle since elementary school and finally at the end of 2011, I truly came to the end of the ongoing cycle. I graduated from one of the best schools in California with honors, and 2 quarters early at that. You think you'd feel very accomplished right? I don't think I've ever felt more lost or confused than I did when I moved back home; right around the same time we rang in the new year.

I spent the first chunk of the new year job searching and really figuring out what I should do with my life. My initial go-to was comparing myself to everyone around me; what kinds of jobs do they have? how much should I be making? what kind of job looks "legit" or "prestigious"? That tends to always be the biggest mistake of mine. I'm ALWAYS comparing myself to others and wanting what I don't have. It's led to a lot of realizations over the years, and most importantly the lesson that I'm living my own life, no one else's... so might as well make this the best possible life for myself.

After 5 months of interviewing, stressing, and searching.. (oh, and include a spontaneous family trip to Europe in between all that!), I finally landed the right job; the perfect job in my eyes. I began working as a recruiter at a third party agency at a company really close to my house. I honestly think this was the best first job that anyone could have had. I was new to the corporate world and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, career-wise. This job gave me the opportunity to really gain a sense of all the different industries that are out there. I was able to work with some of the biggest names in Silicon Valley, as well as truly grow as a person. I look back and one of the biggest things I am thankful for is that I grew so much in shedding a lot of insecurities that I had and grew in my professionalism and confidence. A lot of fears I once had totally disappeared and were replaced with so much knowledge and maturity. Plus on top of all that, I was able to work with some of the best people that I have yet to meet. Our office was small so we literally became a family.

Flash forward 4 months in and we are here. Long story short, but as always, life is unpredictable my friends. And sometimes you don't know how good something was until it's gone.. or until it changes dramatically. Unfortunately, my work life took a huge turn and was overtaken by new management. The company did a complete 180 and we honestly couldn't even recognize it as what it once was. People left, new people came, and the culture shifted very significantly. As of right now, that door of my life has closed and I look at it now through the eyes of someone who isn't that little girl who is fearful about what is to come. Instead, I look at this like a blessing in disguise.

All of my life, I've had so many passions but yet to go after them. I sell myself short, think I don't deserve the things that I want, or that they're too hard to obtain. I realize how that the constraints I've put on myself are the only things that are stopping me. Even starting this blog and being regular about it was truly a tough feat. But I finally realized, if this is my true passion, start! You have nothing to lose. I see the blessing in disguise, because my last month at my job I kept wishing and hoping for a new opportunity to present itself. In a way, my time there was done. It was such a great experience to start off with, and I am going to take the lessons I've learned with me throughout the rest of my career -- but it was almost as if God was also agreeing with me and saying, yes the time has come to move onto something bigger and better.

So right now, even though I feel like I'm back at square one and back to where I was exactly at the start of 2012, I realize I'm not there at all. In fact, I've progressed so many steps forward. In maturity, in wisdom, in confidence, and in faith. The verse I have posted above is the verse that I'm leaning on and truly walking out in this next stage of my life. I want to be the woman who can truly laugh in confidence & in hope that there is absolutely no fear of the future; but only good things ahead.

If it's writing & blogging that I love, then I won't cease to write until I land something. If it's event planning, if it's recruiting, if it's in the corporate world, or even starting my own business venture -- nothing is too out there as long as I myself believe in it.

And that's been the biggest transition of all -- shifting from all of the personal doubt to believing in myself moreso than I ever have before. Looks like a new chapter has literally been added in to my life at this point. And it's my job to choose how it's going to be written.

for blue skies

there is seriously nothing like the skies in Hawaii.. on my trip, the majority of my photos were of the clouds, skies, and trees. i'm usually one of those who is so focused on taking pictures of myself and friends, but on this trip i was so in awe of what was in front of me i couldn't help but try to capture it all. and let me tell you, the camera doesn't even do it justice.

there's something about looking up a sky for me. label it the escapist in me, but it gives me such a feeling of relief and "getaway" from what i'm dealing with. even if it's for a brisk moment... that moment is so worth it. it's funny that so many of us are in need of that escape.. why is that? #pondering