#juicing -- the reality behind the hype

 

So last week I gave in to the hype and did a juice cleanse. I don't know what it was but everywhere around me the media is throwing the "health benefits" of juicing in your face. Add to that the pretty packaging of these $12 juices and you've got thousands of young women everywhere who are throwing their money to try a one or three-day cleanse. I personally chose to do the one day cleanse, mostly because I knew that I probably couldn't handle more than a day and also because I wasn't in that driven of a mood to go all out and starve myself for half a week. Here's the skinny: I. Felt. No. Different.

I'm not sure how much of cleansing becomes placebo because you're already in the mentality of detoxing and cleaning out your system, but to be honest I really felt no different. During the day, there were certain points where I felt lighter but only because I wasn't left with that "full" feeling after a meal. However, that feeling only lasts half an hour or so after a meal anyway -- you go walk it off, you go to the bathroom, whatever you gotta do. If anything I feel like it's sad that I practically starved myself for a day when  I could have been eating clean just to "detox" and try to shed some water weight. Not to mention the fruits and veggies pretty much lose all their fiber-value when you juice them.

I don't want to be completely negative about the experience because while nothing amazing happened -- nothing terrible happened either. I actually did the cleanse with two other co-workers. One of whom cleanses pretty regularly and LOVES it. The other was a guy and this was his first time doing it. He felt miserable to say the least. Even the next day at work he said he was exhausted. I felt bad for him because I wasn't dying by any extent, but I simply didn't feel much of anything. A lot of people might argue that you have to juice for 3 days minimum or a week to see results, but then I'm curious to ask what results are we searching for?

A friend posed his speculation really interestingly to me. He was telling me that there is no scientific proof currently about the nutritional value of a juice cleanse. He was reminding me how long certain medicines, herbs, and supplements take to become FDA-approved and for their health benefits to be tested and proven. He said, "what makes what you're doing different than me telling you to simply eat lettuce for 3 days straight?" That really opened my eyes to a different aspect of the whole fitness craze in general. I think as a society, girls especially, we're so antsy for the next big quick fix. And as soon as a craze hits the market we have to jump on the band wagon and try it out. (I'm guilty of it too, the sole reason I did this was to see what all the hype was about). But really, it's kind of sickening when you think about it. Aside from even "I want to lose weight" or "I want to clean out my system" -- what is it with us latching onto what society throws at us like leeches? I was depriving myself of food  that could have provided me with excellent nutritional value to drink 8 juices over 24 hours just because I was TOLD this is what's healthy right now.

My entire point with this post was to simply share my findings after trying the cleanse and remaining completely unbiased. To be truthful, I hoping to come out of it the next morning and feel AMAZING -- rejuvenated, energized, fulfilled, and lighter. I felt good but no different. In fact I kept asking myself, "So when am I going to feel something?" Again, I could definitely chalk it up to only doing it for a day but it's just so sad that all these businesses who are charging $65+ a day for a pack of juices are eating away at our wallets and we're so quick to believe them and jump right in. It's simple: want to change your health habits and eat healthier? Cut out the junk and start exercising. Nothing extreme about it. And trust me the results appear sooner than you might think. Anyways, enough soap box. But I had to share.

I challenge you to think the next time you're about to allow yourself to get influenced into something. The media is smart and it's scary. It's in a constant attempt to get us all to look the same, eat the same, talk the same, and think the same. Don't conform.

#change

Yes, it's definitely been a minute since my last post. I'm slowly coming up on three months officially living in the city. Can't express enough how this has truly been one of the best decisions I ever made. I feel so much growth within the last few months and so much of an internal thirst for more. I'm slowly starting to ask myself the hard questions, like what it is I like, who I want to be around, the people I choose to invest in, the things I spend my time doing, etc. The more and more I work, the more I realize how precious our time is. So much of the week is automatically given away to working so when it comes to time off and the weekends, that's when I've really been focused on making my time count.

Living in the city on my own, I've had the perfect balance of feeding both my introvert side & my extravert side. It's funny how much we can change as we grow older, and now being in my mid-20's I can safely safe I've shifted into a 50/50 split of the two personality types. Being here, sometimes I just have those days where I'll take a walk to the Marina by myself and just sit out by the water and soak it all in. Or walking on the way home and people watching down Fillmore St. and seeing how much life goes on all around me. Aside from that, it's been so good to invest time in friends who I don't get to see as much. It's funny, when I was still living fully at home with the parents I wouldn't see a lot of my friends that often who lived maybe 10-15 min away (I think it's just taking it for granted that you live so close and then life gets busy).. but after moving up, I ended up seeing some of these people even more than I did when I was living at home. You almost make more of an effort because life does get so chaotic. It feels really good to have those friendships that stick out like that... people actually caring to invest themselves in your life and ask about your day to day and keep up with it. That effort goes such a long way, and as humans, we're bound to get moved by the reciprocation -- after all, that's what we're after. There are some people in my life in this past year alone that have made an everlasting mark because of how supportive they were through some of the toughest times. These are friends that weren't necessary the ones I happened to grow up with my whole life or ones that I happen to do life with on the daily -- some were even friends of friends who I happened to click with in an instant. Just seeing the mark those people made on my life as I look back a year ago til today, I am nothing but thankful. It's taught me a lesson in being open to change. Being open to getting to know anyone, regardless of how different you might think the two of you might be on the outside based on surface circumstances like your age or walk of life.

I think the hardest topic for me to think/write about (aside from life passions and what I really want to do with my life -- which we shall leave for another blog post for the sake of my sanity, hehe), is change. Change in the smallest sense like my favorite TV show changing its theme song after a season or two (here's looking at you Felicity and One Tree Hill), or change in the larger sense like not being as close with people you once did life with. Lately one of the things I've been pondering about has been the change I've seen in my social circles. Sometimes it feels like I live two lives. Not in the sense of living a double life or anything like that, but living in two cities, having two rooms, a work life, a family life, a set of friends here, one there -- it's all been so non-linear that it's interesting. For lack of a better word. And yet even alongside the busyness and action-packed life I lead, there are times when I've sat and questioned "where do I belong?" I think growing up with the social groups that are a norm for our society today leads to this type of questioning. We grow up and head off to these institutions like middle school/ high school/ church/ the soccer team, and we're immediately told to start making friends and forming groups. For me especially, I always always had a big group of friends surrounding me. More often than that, these were obviously people who had a ton in common with me and were headed in the same direction for the most part. However, as we grow older, I've realized that this is where the change kicks in like a bitter pill to swallow. We all have that deciding moment to figure out what it is we want for ourselves. Where we want to go, who we want to be. We start asking all these questions surrounding our identity. From college to now (and esp. now), I've had the change kick in the most. It saddens me that I am such a nostalgic person because I notice  how much this kind of stuff effects me more than those around me. Sometimes it's so hard to even express how I feel because I don't think others would even get it. But I get so nostalgic for the old times that it definitely hurts. I miss my old group of friends. I miss the people I grew up with and did 10+ years of my life with.

People who would say they consider you "family" or a "sister." It's funny because now at 24, almost 25, I realize how loosely we throw around words like that. And it's so sad because it cheapens the value of words like that so much. One second it's this clique we consider our bffs/ family and then a year later we aren't even talking to that person and moved on to the next clique. It's really allowed my eyes to be opened to the fact that as life changes and we grow up, we begin to find that sometimes we don't even need a group anymore. We need that one, two, or three constants who are always going to be there and have made it clear that they're not going anywhere. Sure, everyone wants to have that TV glamorized clique of friends like how the Kardashian sisters make it seem or the girls on Laguna Beach, but lets be real, this isn't reality TV -- this is reality.

I've finally started to slowly start losing my grip on holding so tightly to the past. Yes, the memories will always remain and always be epic to look back on. And yes, if I could, I would repeat those instances in a second because of how joyful they made me. But am I going to keep missing out on the present because I'm holding onto missing the past? No. Not anymore. I've realized I'm done trying to control things as much as I have in the past. I came across this amazing quote that says,

"If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth."

 So powerful. And at the end of the day, the hard part of this quote to walk away with is the truth in that not everyone will know our worth. People will always disappoint. That's why we can't put our worth in people alone or even let them have that control. So I'll end with this and bring it full circle. Thanks to good old Socrates for putting the secret to change so perfectly. We need to stop living in the past and holding on so tightly to what's already changed. Yes, people may leave, people may change, situations can totally erupt, explode, or implode. But the key is focusing on building the present and the future. 

I never want to miss out on the beauty that is to come in my life. I am so blessed to have the people in my life who are in it right now and who have made a lasting mark, especially in such a season of change (har har) for me. I may not have that clique anymore like the kids in high school or those girls you grew up with, because lets be real we're all in different chapters at the moment. But having the few who have made it known they're here to stay has been so comforting. And even bigger than that, this has all taught me so much about independence and finding myself apart from people. I don't think that it's any accident at all that I'm in the spot where I am. I know God knows what He's doing and I trust in that. The changes are good and they're going to bear so much fruit in the long run. I just needed to shift my perspective. And I'm finally ready to let go and move forward with a new set of eyes now. <3

an ode to Leo

By now the hashtag #PoorLeo has gone viral and we've all had a chance to mourn the loss of Leonardo DiCaprio not winning the Academy Award. To be completely honest, I was probably one of the few who wasn't as obsessed as everyone else with the Wolf of Wall Street as a film, but I was blown away yet again by this man's acting. There's countless debates as to why he got shafted again but lets digress. Lets move forward and focus on the positive. As I looked back and thought of this man's amazing career as an actor, I can confidently say that no other actor has had such an impact on me as a film lover.  Therefore, what better way to express my love than with an ode.

:10 things I love about Leo:

• 1) The fact that he blew me away when I was 15 with the Basketball Diaries and how that's still one of his most underrated films out there (sorry not sorry but all those teeny bopper rooks who consider themselves fans after seeing Inception and the likes. Nope!) And yes, that's Marky Mark <3

• 2) The fact that he has brought his mom as his date to almost every awards show he's been nominated in.

• 3)  How his little bangs fall perfectly across his face in so many of his earlier films and he just flips them back.

• 4)  The fact that he told Oprah out of every actress he's worked with that his favorite is and always will be Kate Winslet

• 5)  When he blew a kiss to the camera at the 2014 Bafta's  right before the show started because he knew that's all the viewers wanted.

• 6) The fact that he completely improvised the lemonns scene in Wolf of Wall Street and could only shoot the leg scene once since he pulled a muscle using his leg to open the car door. (His day will come).

• 7) The fact that he blew me away with the Departed.  I remember it being the first time I  was jaw dropped in a theater while watching an actor who had shape-shifted so much. The role was so different than his usual and he nailed it. On top of that, with an ensemble of a cast, he still shined brightest. [This scene didn't hurt either].

• 8)  The fact that he brings you to tears with raw emotion in his crying scenes.

• 9) His undeniable, TIMELESS sexiness. Specifically, his brooding yet rough around the edges demeanor in every 90's film he was in. Here's looking at you, The Beach.

• 10) Finally, The fact that Titanic always has been and ALWAYS will be my favorite movie of all time because all he did was challenge Rose to be herself and let go of being who others wanted her to be (got deep for the last one, but i had to).

• Lets make it 10 1/2: The chemistry between these two that's lived on for over a decade and is untouchable.

#oscars aftermath

SO last night was the beloved Academy Awards! Truthfully, I think it was a pretty mediocre show in my opinion. I feel like each year is always filled with so much spark and this element of mystery as the night goes on. This year it was kind of like the presenters were rushing through each category and we were just waiting for the show to end. Not to mention the most monotone presenters.

This year my predictions were pretty dead on if I do say so myself -- I was off by 3-4 upsets. Some of which I am actually really happy I was wrong about and others... well not so happy.. ( I gotchu, Leo).

Lets keep it real simple and go through the night the best way I see fit: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The good:

• Jared Leto's win: I think jump starting the show with a main award was the best thing to do to set the tone for the night. Right away they jumped into Best Supporting Actor which was perfect in my opinion. Jared Leto winning was pretty much a given, but wow his speech man. I was blown away. Not only is he an amazing public speaker (super engaging) but the story about his mom and the dedication to her and to his brother was wonderful.

• "Her" winning Best Original Screenplay: Like I said in my last post, this category is one of my favorites. Her was the one I was rooting for most, and honestly I was not expecting it to win. But lo and behold, it got the win. I was so happy for Spike Jonze and I think he definitely deserves it. This was such a unique and forward-thinking concept for a film and the way he brought it to life was near perfect.

• Charlize Theron being a goddess. I mean need I say more?

• The celebrity selfie. Not because it crashed Twitter/ went viral/ or because everyone is photoshopping themselves into it to look cool. But because in that instant, it was like they were just like us. Seeing them one by one trying to fit into the shot and not miss out on it was one of the cutest things I've seen and actually reminded me exactly of me and my friends. Sweet moment :)

• Ellen getting pizza for the audience and the audience actually eating it.

• Like I said in my last post, 12 Years a Slave was going to win Best Picture. I'm not really torn one way or the other on what I think about that. I think Ellen summed it up best in her opening monologue. Had it not won, the Academy looks like a bunch of racists, lets be real. But aside from that, while it isn't the most intriguing or mind-blowing film, it gave us a sense of reality that we don't often think back on or expose ourselves to. And on that note, I couldn't have been happier for Lupita winning Best Supporting Actress.

• "The Moon Song" performance. Chilling.

• Seeing Brad Pitt get teary eyed after Angelina Jolie was presented with the humanitarian award.

The Bad:

• Ellen calling Liza Minelli a man. On top of that, a number of her jokes that just went way too far and were borderline awkward.

• No opening performance of any sort from Ellen? Come on. No entertainment value to this year's show, sadly.

• Leonardo DiCaprio loses. Again. The sad thing is, I knew going into it he wasn't going to win. It's just a given at this point that the Academy has something against him. I just didn't want Matthew McConaughey to win over him. And that's exactly what happened. I said it before on Facebook in my public rant, but I'll say it again here. Matthew McConaughey has a resume of playing in chick flick after chick flick for the majority of his career. I don't agree that one versatile performance should equate to an Oscar win. Especially when looking at the others he was competing against. The perfect word I can use to describe Leo's career choices as an actor is chameleon. This guy blows me away film after film with the characters he chooses to take on and the depth he goes to in bringing them to life. The Departed, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Titanic, Blood Diamond, the list goes on. This guy has been in 9 films that have been nominated for Best Picture (and played the main role in them), yet has not even been nominated for the majority of them. A lot of people think he's just another Meryl Streep who's always nominated yet never wins. The truth in fact is that he rarely even has gotten nominated for the epic films he's played in. THAT'S where the conspiracy lies (I'm not trying to be one of those insane conspiracy theorists, I'm just using it for lack of a better word -- yet at this point I'm really starting to believe it is a conspiracy, lol). The great thing is, Leo seems like such a humble and genuine actor who truly cares to solely entertain and tell a story through his films, that this is what he'll continue to do. And I know he'll get his win soon. * This is not to say that Matthew was completely undeserving for this award, no, in fact I totally agree that he rose up and put on a show for all of us. Do I think it was a better performance than Leo? Absolutely not.

The ugly:

• Matthew McConaughey's speech. I was SO intrigued to hear who this guy's role model was after he kept going on and on about looking up to this mystery person his whole life. Then the ball drops -- "me in 10 years." Really, bro? We're all still trying to recover from you stealing Leo's win and then you top it all off with the most egotistical speech known to man. All I kept remembering was his Golden Globe speech too when he was talking about his wife referring to him as, "the king you know I am." Give me a break.

• Zac Efron butchering his lines while presenting.

• Zac Efron presenting an Oscar.

• John Travolta presenting Idina Menzel before she performed for Best Song.. and completely massacring her name.

• Lady Gaga being present.

There you have it. Thanks for reading. Feel free to sound off with your thoughts below! Congrats to all the winners and I can truly say one thing for sure -- this was such a powerful year for film all around. Sadly, this marks the end of awards season. You'll know I'll be back for the next one! :)

#oscarsunday

  Greetings friends. Tomorrow marks Oscar Sunday, AKA my version of Superbowl Sunday. One of my favorite things about winter (sadly that list is pretty small), is the slew of awards shows. I love kicking back with friends and catching each show and making it an event -- the Bafta's, the Golden Globes, the SAGS, the Critic's Choice Awards -- all leading up to the grand slam of it all, the Academy Awards.

Each year I've made it my mission to watch every film nominated for Best Picture. Of course life gets in the way and half the time the movies are out of theaters by the time the nominees are released. This year, I made it happen (I may or may not have binge watched four of them in the past 12 hours). And I'm pleased to give you a run down of my predictions of the winners (and why). I'll be devoting my next blog post to my thoughts on each of the films nominated for Best Picture but figured that would be way too long of a post to include here. I kind of wanted to post it after the awards themselves so my opinion isn't swayed by who I want to win, but we'll see, I might do it right before the show tomorrow ;) I didn't take minor awards into account in this post (frankly because I doubt any of you care which foreign film or documentary short I think willl win), so I've left it at the hefty top-of-the-top nominees.  Without further ado, here are my bets for tomorrow's big night!

*The nominees*

Best Picture	American Hustle Captain Phillips Dallas Buyers Club Gravity Her Nebraska Philomena 12 Years a Slave The Wolf of Wall Street I'm almost positive this will be the big winner tomorrow night, with American Hustle as a back-up. Dating back to the films that the Academy loves to award for Best Picture, we see clearly that a sci-fi film as never won, nor a truly "under the radar film" that hasn't gotten mass hype and general all-around positive reviews (sorry Nebraska and Her.. I wouldn't even consider these two for a second). For me personally, I actually am not a fan at ALL of the increased nominees in this category that they started doing. It was so much better when it was just the top 5/ the cream of the crop, vying for this title. 12 Years a Slave is a true story and it's about slavery, so, lets be real -- that's already engaged anyone who's going to watch it. Steve McQueen was able to challenge an audience with not a "feel good film" but one that makes you squirm and think long after you've left the theater. Which is what a Best Picture winner should be doing (i.e. Traffic, Crash, and the Hurt Locker to name a few). While I think Philomena was one of my favorites of awards season altogether, I think 12 Years a Slave takes the cake this year. Random thought: I will say this... entertainment-wise Captain Phillips shined for me. Looking back at Argo winning last year, I could see this taking the win by surprise too. Both were true stories, action flicks, and end with the hero prevailing.
Best Actor in a Leading Role	Christian Bale (American Hustle) Bruce Dern (Nebraska) Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street) Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years a Slave) Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club) Yup. I'm not going along with what any blog or critic out there has to say. This needs to be Leo's year. I've been rooting for him since day 1. So far, he's won the Golden Globe for Best Actor but even that felt weird because they counted the film in the comedy category. After YEARS of being snubbed by the Academy (don't get me started on my conspiracy theory of how much they're anti Leo), this needs to be his year. Close second: I agree that Chiwetel did an outstanding job as well and very happy for his Bafta win in the same category. But come on, this was truly Leo's most challenging role of his career and I think he NAILED it. I wasn't even a die-hard fan of the film itself, but his acting was spot on (note: this impressed me, but didn't blow me out of the water, because Leo has been blowing me out of the water with his performance in EVERY film of his that I watch). Ok, end of my soap box. #leoforlyfe ;) *For those rooting for Matthew McConaughey... Sorry, not a fan. Yes, I totally agree, his performance in Dallas Buyer's Club was showing a WAY more versatile side than he's ever shown, but this is one role out of 15 other chick flicks where he's played the exact same character. I wouldn't be so quick to give that an Oscar. Whereas with Leo every single role he's chosen to play over the span of his career has resulted in a metamorphosis as an actor. However, knowing the Academy -- watch them give it to Matthew :/
Best Actress in a Leading Role	Amy Adams (American Hustle) Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine) Sandra Bullock (Gravity) Judi Dench (Philomena) Meryl Streep (August: Osage County) Why? She's consecutively won every award in this category and deserves it. Such a flawless performance.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role	Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips) Bradley Cooper (American Hustle) Michael Fassbender (12 Years a Slave) Jonah Hill (The Wolf of Wall Street) Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club) Why? This phoenix is rising from the ashes. I personally was so excited about his performance in this film, esp after being such a big fan of his roles in Requiem for a Dream and Fight Club, I feel like a proud mom or something watching how stunning his acting was in this film. No joke, he was the reason why I liked this movie. Without him, I don't think it would have been as good. Appropriately enough, he's picked up almost all the awards in this category as well. Close second? I'm actually super happy for Barkhad Abdi for winning the Bafta in this category. If you haven't heard the Cinderella story behind his history before the role, definitely read up on it. Biggest surprise: Jonah Hill. After a slew of stoner comedies/ Judd Apatow flicks I was blown away with his character and acting in WoWS.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role	Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine) Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle) Lupita Nyong'o (12 Years a Slave) Julia Roberts (August: Osage County) June Squibb (Nebraska) Why? She nabbed the Golden Globe and is the "all-American," versatile actress they're all rooting for. Forgive the sarcasm in my tone, I actually did think she was amazing in American Hustle. In fact, she even choked up Christian Bale during her audition. I think I just secretly am rooting for Lupita N. But either way, I'll be happy for her :p
Best Cinematography	The Grandmaster (Philippe Le Sourd) Gravity (Emmanuel Lubezki) Inside Llewyn Davis (Bruno Delbonnel) Nebraska (Phedon Papamichael) Prisoners (Roger A. Deakins) I mean... need I say more?
Best Costume Design	American Hustle (Michael Wilkinson) The Grandmaster (William Chang Suk Ping) The Great Gatsby (Catherine Martin) The Invisible Woman (Michael O'Connor) 12 Years a Slave (Patricia Norris)
Best Directing	American Hustle (David O. Russell) Gravity (Alfonso Cuarón) Nebraska (Alexander Payne) 12 Years a Slave (Steve McQueen) The Wolf of Wall Street (Martin Scorsese) Why? This is one exception to the rule I think. What rule am I referring to? General rule of thumb with the Oscar's is that the winner for Best Director almost always has gone on to win Best Picture. For instance, last year's Ang Lee took home Best Director for Life of Pi but Argo won Best Picture. This was the only time in the 2000's it's happened however, but I'm going to go with it and predict this will be the second year in a row that it happens again. Why? Lets be real, directing an entire film based off the vision you have in your head and projecting that all via green-screen is a feat in itself. Rooting for? Steve McQueen. He won the Bafta and I really hope he takes home the Oscar too.
Best Adapted Screenplay Before Midnight (Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke) Captain Phillips (Billy Ray) Philomena (Steve Coogan, Jeff Pope) 12 Years a Slave (John Ridley) The Wolf of Wall Street (Terence Winter) The screenplay categories are two of my favorites of the show particularly because I love writing and because the story itself is what I value most of all within a film. To think that all five of these movies were true stories is so amazing to me. They were all phenomenally adapted in my opinion. I'm going with Philomena because when you have the actual, real-life Philomena telling journalists that the director depicted this even better than the book -- well, then I think you have a winner. Plus this story was just one that needed to be told and was executed beautifully. Best Original Screenplay American Hustle (Eric Warren Singer, David O. Russell) Blue Jasmine (Woody Allen) Dallas Buyers Club (Craig Borten, Melisa Wallack) Her (Spike Jonze) Nebraska (Bob Nelson) Why? I think this category is extremely tough. These are all such creative stories. I think that American Hustle is the favorite to win but I'm going to go with a wild card choice here. Did I think Her was weird? Absolutely. Did I think it was a genius futuristic film without being too over-the-top/ sci-fi-esque? Yup. As insane as the concept sounds when you think of it, as you watch the movie you're like.. wow, I could see this happening potentially in the future. For Spike Jonze I think this film was such a great endeavor and truly believe he deserves the award. Won't be surprised if it gets trumped by the rest though.
Best Film Editing	American Hustle (Jay Cassidy, Crispin Struthers, Alan Baumgarten) Captain Phillips (Christopher Rouse) Dallas Buyers Club (John Mac McMurphy, Martin Pensa) Gravity (Alfonso Cuarón, Mark Sanger) 12 Years a Slave (Joe Walker)
Best Makeup and Hairstyling	Dallas Buyers Club (Adruitha Lee, Robin Mathews) Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (Stephen Prouty) The Lone Ranger (Joel Harlow, Gloria Pasqua-Casny)
Best Original Score	The Book Thief (John Williams) Gravity (Steven Price) Her (William Butler, Owen Pallett) Philomena (Alexandre Desplat) Saving Mr. Banks (Thomas Newman) Fingers crossed for Her. One of the things I loved most about this film was the cinematography and the score. Perfection.
Best Original Song	Happy (Despicable Me 2) Let It Go (Frozen) The Moon Song (Her) Ordinary Love (Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom) It's a top 40's hit at this point and who doesn't love Pharrell (esp me) but the Moon Song from Her was something else, man.
Best Sound Editing	All Is Lost (Steve Boeddeker, Richard Hymns) Captain Phillips (Oliver Tarney) Gravity (Glenn Freemantle) The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Brent Burge, Chris Ward) Lone Survivor (Wylie Stateman)
Best Sound Mixing	Captain Phillips (Chris Burdon, Mark Taylor, Mike Prestwood Smith, Chris Munro) Gravity (Skip Lievsay, Niv Adiri, Christopher Benstead, Chris Munro) The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Christopher Boyes, Michael Hedges, Michael Semanick, Tony Johnson) Inside Llewyn Davis (Skip Lievsay, Greg Orloff, Peter F. Kurland) Lone Survivor (Andy Koyama, Beau Borders, David Brownlow)
Best Visual Effects	Gravity (Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, Dave Shirk, Neil Corbould) The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton, Eric Reynolds) Iron Man 3 (Christopher Townsend, Guy Williams, Erik Nash, Dan Sudick) The Lone Ranger (Tim Alexander, Gary Brozenich, Edson Williams, John Frazier) Star Trek Into Darkness (Roger Guyett, Patrick Tubach, Ben Grossmann, Burt Dalton)

#citylife

 

Today marks day 20 of me moving to San Francisco. Yes, I am a slacker, I have no excuse for being so late on a life update, but hey better late than never. I still cannot even begin to process the fact that I live here now. It has been one of the best decisions I ever made. Best of all, it's been such a breath of fresh air to get away from the bubble I've grown up in my whole life and venture out to see the rest the world (ironically, looks like sometimes you only need to get an hour away and you'll still feel the change of pace). SF couldn't be more different than what I'm used to. Some nights I remember taking the train home from work and getting to my driveway back home and being in total suburbia ..... and just needing to take a moment to soak it all in because it's those moments where I feel like I have two different lives going on.

It's been so much more convenient moving here and I feel like with every aspect of life I have more of a sync and balance. Who knew knocking of 3 hours of commuting a day would have such an effect. I've been walking to work every day, admiring the gorgeous Civic Center buildings on my walk over and just admiring the city's livelihood, no matter what the hour.

Even with work I feel so much more stimulated now. I still have those long hours but I almost don't even mind it anymore since my commute has shortened so much and I'm lucky enough to work with people I love so it's a fun time regardless.

I feel like the adventures are just beginning. There have been so many wish-list places on my endless SF exploration list, but I've experienced so many of them so far. Some of the best foods, fancy dinners, hole in the walls -- the list goes on. I think my favorite part though has been the proximity to my friends. I'm like smack in the middle of 4-5 really close friends so the best part has been walking to their place for a movie night or just having people to hang out with anytime you want.

I'm going to keep this one short since I'm still soaking in so much from this experience, but to sum it all up, it's been absolutely perfect thus far. I'm so happy about using this time to grow both in my work and personally... and I know this move and change in independence is going to play a huge role in the growth process. The best is yet to come.

#newyearnewme

"New Year, New Me" -- probably one of the most reused sayings when it comes to bringing in the new year. I think the notion behind it is actually very beautiful. Celebrating the end of an era and starting fresh with a brand new chapter; it gives us reason to want to re-invent ourselves, almost like a blank slate. 2013 is dunzo and it's been a little under a week that we've peered into 2014, yet it already feels like such a change compared to this past year.

I had one of the wildest years of my life. One that I think stands out dramatically from the rest when I look back. Turning 24 at the end of this past year set things in motion for a dramatic change come these next few months. SO much change has happened. I took one of the biggest leaps of faith 8 months ago and opted to take an internship, which in turn led to being hired permanently as a content writer for my dream company. Words can't express how much of a blessing that has been. Not only that, but it's a literal dream come true for me because I'm now in the process of preparing to move to the city in less than a month. It feels so surreal. That's been something I've dreamt of since college days and now it's a reality. I'm so glad I had the experience of commuting and living life within the city before opting to actually move there. I figured out what I wanted and what I didn't, and now the pieces just seem to fit so well.

At the start of every new year, we've been taught to come up with our list of resolutions. For me, I don't like saying things and then not keeping them because it only leads to regret at the end of that year, but lets face it, you're more inclined to go after these resolutions if you write them out and make them goals. I don't have like a top ten list or anything, but these are a few of the things I'm really set out to aspire to accomplish in 2014:

1) Travel more. In 2013 another dream that came true for me was my trip to NYC. It's funny because I think that's so normal to some people who have had the luxury of traveling a lot and having lavish vacations all their lives, but for me big vacations are something we tend to do once every two years or so. In 2012 it was two weeks in Europe which was AMAZING, but this trip to NYC was something different. The fact that I was able to plan it all and pay for all of it on my own was so rewarding. It was just me and one dear friend and we made the MOST of our 3 days there. I will never forget that trip. It made me realize how much I value self-discovery while traveling. It's something I want to invest my money in and make sure to cross one trip off my list each year from now on. That makes 2014 very exciting to look forward to:)

2) Be completely present, no matter where I am. I have made this mistake on numerous occasions throughout my life. I tend to let my curiosity, or my "fear of missing out" (coined in pop culture as FOMO lately), get the best of me. I want to resolve in 2014 to be 100% present no matter where I am. Especially with this move to SF, I want to savor every single moment of it. From moving in, to the weeknights coming back to my neighborhood after work, to spending some weekends venturing out on my own -- I want all of it to be an adventure that I can look back on and reflect on true self-discovery and growth as a person. No more worry about not being invited to this/ missing out on that event back home/ wishing I was somewhere that I'm not. Instead just full devotion to the present and what a gift that truly is.

3) Last but not least (since the rest are random and borderline embarrassing like learning to play guitar and whatnot lol), I want to fully accept and come to terms with the truth that "Timing is Everything." One of the toughest lessons I've had to learn has been giving up my own control; letting go and letting God. Call it the perfectionist in me or maybe it's this fear of having to settle or compensate.. but I've always wanted things to go the way I've imagined them. This truth about timing was made very clear to me a few days before the New Year. Truth be told, it was actually a tough word to receive because come on, in reality, we don't really like hearing that we have to simply sit back and just wait for God to open doors in His timing. That's so unknown! But that's what a step of faith looks like. It's confidence in the unknown and unseen. I think this past year I've been so preoccupied with worry.. wondering when my time will come for certain things and that's led to major comparison to others around me, which in turn, has led to a depletion of joy. But towards the end of 2013, it just clicked that this is a notion I have to walk with every day --> let go of your own control and trust that the best is yet to come and the best is in store. Why would I doubt that for a second? The fear is crippling, I can vouch for that first hand. The fear of "what if it isn't what I hoped for?" //"what if I feel like I'm settling?"// "When will it come?" -- I mean the list goes on. There is so much fear in the unknown. But I realized I can either spend a year in confusion and anxiety about this, or I can live in joy knowing it's in God's hands and that He will give me the desires of my heart once I delight solely in Him. It's a hard pill to swallow.. but it's such a challenge. I can think of 20 different things that I've allowed my heart to "delight in" over Him sometimes. It's a good reality check to go back and reevaluate these things, and that's what I've been doing as the year started.

I know this year is going to be different, yet so much better than before. I don't believe I need to become a "new me" as the new year has started, yet I'm so thankful that I can take the old me and add to her what amazing lessons I've learned in 2013 and the ones I will continue to learn in 2014. That's what I mean when I say new me.. Same person, but new lessons learned. New growth. New ways of reacting to things in different ways than I would in years past. No more comparisons, no more fear.

Photo credit: Logan Cole Photography

#90s birthday party

Last week or so was my 24th birthday. Why does writing that make me feel suddenly old? Lol.. Sorry to everyone taking offense to that but just thinking of myself as 24 feels so odd. Back in the day I always thought "I'll be married and have a home at 24".... Oh how different life has turned out [in a great way].

So blessed with how much of a whirlwind the past year has been [yes, since turning 24 I've made a pact with myself to look at everything positively ;) ]. But really though, it's been so eye opening and I've changed SO much even in a year .. Looking back at 23 til now I feel like so much has changed about me, even mentality wise and how I look at things.

I'll leave the personal self-reflection for another post, but onto more exciting things to share -- I had an AMAZING 90's birthday party this year. It's been a dream of mine since I was a teenager to throw an all-out themed party -set in the 90's if course.

If you want to know anything about me, one of the most important things is how nostalgic of a person I am. Especially if it's a time / memory that I really loved, I'll continue to try to make that moment live on for as long as I can. Which I've actually learned can be somewhat of a depressing thing/ the dangers of living in the past too much.... But, hey, you live and learn.

Anyways, the 90's will always be perfection to me. The music, the TV, the childhood memories I personally had, junior high (yes, I'm one of the few who actually loved my junior high years)... The pop culture, the movies, all of it. Even the style.. I see so much 90's making a comeback now it's amazing.

With the help of a few of my dearest friends we brainstormed and came up with the most amazing party. I was so excited to whip out so many posters I had kept from the 90's til now. I have a trunk full of spice girls clippings and all these Tiger Beat posters/ Bop Magazine. The goods ;)

We had it all -- Beanie Babies (looking at you Pegah!), Spice Girls Barbies, my old 90's album covers hung across a chandelier, old VHS' like Drive Me Crazy & the making of BSB's music videos. I even had my old sticker books on display. Yes I collected like no other.

Anyways, I'm so so happy I can look back at these photos later in life and reflect on how perfect the party turned out and how creative my friends are. The geometric party theme? Courtesy of my bestie, Amanda, and her amazing party planning skills. The dessert table and photo booth were all her and they were seriously breath taking. I remember walking into the house and seeing all of it, so surprised, and so in awe at how it looked like it was straight out of Pinterest.

Also, special shoutout to my girls [Yasmin](http://yasella.com/) and [Cheri](http://cheriroohi.com/) for documenting these amazing photos of the night <3

Enjoy! I know I did. Now the only thing left is to too this all for the big 2-5 next year ;)

#NYC -- dreams do come true

I just got back from NYC for a short yet fabulous 3 day trip. My friend and I were on a mission from the beginning to see all there was to see -- complete with a full spreadsheet that I had looked over by some NY natives. To say the least, it was one of the best trips I have been on. To see another side of the country was a treat in itself. The diversity, the culture, the leaves changing into fall colors... Wow. It was more than I expected. I found myself at some points just stopping to stare at the beauty before me. The majestic sights of Central Park, the walk back from the Brooklyn Bridge overlooking the Manhattan skyline, the lights of Times Square, and the Top of the Rock. Seriously breathtaking. We had the lucky opportunity to make it on the Jimmy Fallon show too and got to high five him ;) [not to mention participate in a birthday dance off led by the Roots].

All in all, I have never walked so much at once but it felt so good. We took the subway everywhere and it was so easy because everything is so close by with the amazing underground transportation system.

I've also never been this outspoken before, haha. We had to leave our timidity at the door because as tourists in NYC we had no idea how to navigate. Every stop we made, we asked natives what their suggestions were and of course, which trains to take. It was awesome.

One of my highlights was taking a bicycle carriage ride through Central Park. The weather that day was literally perfect. The sun was shining and it was the absolute best fall, crispy air. The leaves were red, yellow, and orange -- radiant hues. I loved it. Watching people canoe in the river under the bridge and seeing the joggers nearby... So surreal.

I also loved going to the little places like East Village and seeing how much character there was. Mini bars and cafés, tattoo parlors, craft stores. It reminded me soooo much of Paris.

Finally, the night I felt so VIP was when we went to the top of the Standard Hotel. It overlooked the entire city with the water under us and all the skyscrapers lit up with lights. All around us were little white couches to lounge on and a rooftop bar. Oh and not to mention, a tent with a crepe maker ;) fabulous.

Hands down this is a trip I will never forget. <3

#breathe

  "Trying to find your worth based on human rank is never going to satisfy or fill the void that rejection my have left in our hearts. It's chasing the wind."

#BrBa - Series Finale: Felina

It's over. 62 episodes later and we've finally come full circle. Last night was the epic series finale of Breaking Bad and I was beyond pleased with this hour of television. So freaking good. I'm still giddy as I write it because I can't believe how epic it was, as well as how well Vince Gilligan was able to tie up so many lose ends. The photos above are from my finale party last night because there honestly was no other way to finish this show than going all out to celebrate.

It's truly a talent to be able to do so within an hour time limit. I've finished so many series over the years and at the end kept asking, "But what about ____ or this detail.." And you're kind of left hanging. Honestly, I have no lingering questions after watching last night's finale. I think the only thing I might still remotely have questions about (which is something I've been wondering about all throughout season 5), has been Jesse's parents and brother. I found it a bit weird that they were introduced and then completely disappeared, but hey. I can't complain. That's only a slight issue that doesn't even matter in the long run.

Anyways, tangent. Back to "Felina" -- wow. It's so funny because I was so prepared to be depressed after the episode. I was ready for a shocking ending and a time of reflecting on how crazy things got and how everything fell apart. Not so in this finale. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. I honestly felt like I was watching a movie the whole time. My favorite part of all of it was seeing how good Walt's spirits were throughout the whole thing.

I had gotten used to seeing this defeatist Walt the last two- three episodes and I was beginning to lose hope. It wasn't until the last 2 minutes of Granite State last week that I was like ok wow thank God -- he's back.

I think me along with everyone else assumed that after seeing Elliot and Gretchen on Charlie Rose that he was on his way to kill them. Which I was actually a fan of the idea last week. It wasn't until seeing the route Vince went that I was like wow -- even better. What better way to make sure that Walt Jr. gets the money. It's genius. It saddens me a lot that he'll never know it was from his dad but I loved that at that point you actually see that Walt's ego and pride aren't in the forefront anymore. It's quite humble actually. He's allowing his son to go along thinking that his ex-partners (whom he probably hates) are the ones giving him a lifetime trust fund.

And that's honestly the theme I found throughout this entire episode... Walt trying to redeem himself. Or at least die with some dignity. The scene with Skyler and him was so so so great. I was so happy she let him in and allowed him 5 minutes to talk. And FINALLY we get some honesty out of Walt. That reveal was like a breath of fresh air for me. He did it for himself. He was good at it. It felt good. And then to give Skyler the coordinates to the bodies... I think that will give Marie the closure she needs to continue her life as well.

Side note -- I was also really happy that Walt told her exactly what happened with the nazi gang killing Hank. I know at the end of the day it was Walt's fault that Hank died, but I didn't want his family to go on thinking that Walt was the one who physically killed him. After all, he was BEGGING Jack to spare his life! Not like that will help at this point but I really wanted some closure in that aspect and I'm so happy he revealed it to Skyler.

The one scene I actually teared up at was watching Walt with Holly. First off, the grace that Skyler has to have for a man who has ruined her family's life and then to let him see her.... Wow. It was so deep. And watching him look at her for the very last time. He knew it. It was all to say a proper goodbye. And then watching Walt Jr. through the glass windows... Gut wrenching. I think it's safe to conclude 100% that this man's love for his family was indeed genuine. He just let his ego and selfish desire get in the way and completely tear them apart.

Another thing I loved about this episode was the two flashbacks we got. It really brought the series full circle for me. That short snippet of how it all began -- with a simple joke from Hank inviting Walt over for a ride-along: "You need some excitement in your life" -- ha! Oh how things turned out. Then cut to Walt standing alone in his deserted home. Perfection.

In regards to Walt's plan of action with Lydia and the neo-nazi gang... It was amazing to say the least. I honestly felt like I was watching a movie. The ricin in the Stevia was genius (which is funny because that was the theory I was rooting for all along) and then that machine gun contraption... HOLY MOLY. Yes. That was CRAZY.

Ok I've calmed down now. That whole scene in the clubhouse with Jack and his crew was gold. I was standing on my feet the entire scene with my heart literally pounding.

I think the best part of all of it was that Walt had originally gone in with the mindset of killing all of them -- and even more raging because at this point he's under the impression that Jesse is cooking with Jack as well. [Side note, the Badger/ Skinny Pete cameo was the perfect way to pay homage to these two before the end]. Anyways, I think Walt at that point was so angry to hear this that his one mission was to wipe them all out.

That reveal with Jack bringing Jesse in -- and caring SO much to prove to Walt that he would never partner with a "rat" was perfect.

I think for me the final 5-10 minutes were the best part. Of course. First off, the look in Walt's eyes when he sees how they've treated Jesse for the last 5-6 months. You can totally see the look of a concerned, compassionate father-fugure. The act of literally jumping in front of a bullet for him and tackling him to the ground to save his life was the ultimate act of redemption for Walt in my opinion. It was so poetic. And then Jesse getting the chance to kill Todd. YES. Thank you Vince for giving Jesse at least that. He deserved that.

We all know Jesse isn't a killer. He has too much of his morality in tact (which we see even from his inability to kill Walt for the second time around). But with Todd, it was necessary. This guy who has tortured him for months on end and killed Drew Sharpe (which made a huge impact on Jesse) -- he had to go.

Another point I loved was Walt's final interactions with Jack. The fact that he didn't even flinch to think twice about questioning where his money was. No, at that point Walt didn't even give a crap about it. The money ruined his life. The money fueled his selfish Heisenberg- ego. He was there to kill Jack and he did it. Mission complete.

In my head, I was hoping for a reconciliation between Walt and Jesse. I was expecting Jesse to thank him for saving his life or just some more dialogue between them. But honestly, Jesse is forever changed because of Walt. He's been so mentally messed up even in the months being a slave for Todd that I think it was asking too much. I was satisfied though with the head nod exchange between the two. That gave me the closure I needed. After all, the last time they spoke was when Walt gave him up to Jack's crew & told him about watching Jane die. So we really can't expect a big finale hug and them riding off into the wind together (although I wish). Haha.

That was perfect though. Jesse got his freedom. Walt saved his life and ultimately was able to die with some redeeming quality, as well as with the closure in knowing his family would be forever safe and that he killed everyone who needed to be killed. It was perfect. It reminded me of a Shakespearian tragedy to be honest. Such an amazing hour of television.

And wow -- that final scene. The master left alone with his "art." Seeing Walt die in the lab, reminiscing about his cooking days with that song playing in the background was perfect. Not only that but I loved how it wasn't a "crazy" death like his cancer eating away at him or some insane shoot out, but it was simply 1 bullet wound that slowly took his life. He knew it was coming and he was able to spend his last moments exactly how he wanted.

And who knows, I think his reputation stayed in tact as well because the cops found him in that lab. So maybe he will always be known as Heisenberg. Which is where his pride and joy was because he WAS truly an artist with his cooking.

And in the end, it was the only way to complete the show with Walt dying. It was perfect. I couldn't be happier and I thank you Vince Gilligan for closing every lingering story line and not leaving anything up for interpretation. It was so crisp & clear. So full circle. My life is honestly forever changed by this show. I feel lucky to have been able to catch it while it was airing live.

Thanks for a wild ride, BrBa. I love you forever <3

#speakup

I think it's good to sometimes take a breather from the day to day and focus on the little things that make us happy. I've been thinking a lot lately about how consumerism has had such a hand in changing the socioeconomic status of our present day and age. There seems to be no work/life balance at the office — instead, it's looked down upon if you want to leave work early to go spend time your family. We're forced into this bubble of conforming to what's considered the "norm" and we stay silent and simply, "go with the flow." Why? It weirds me out that we're so often too timid to question the societal norms that are already in place. We justify it by seeing that everyone else is going along with it and no one's complaining so hey, looks like we're all on board. When in reality how many people are actually feeling the same way I do inside but no one's bold enough to voice it? Not sure where I'm going with this but woke up this morning with a deep frustration for the intimidation/ fear traps we box ourselves into.

Cool segway into the new music I'm listening to because ironically enough, the album I'm most excited about this fall is M.I.A.'s "Mathangi." Call her what you will (and I do admit she can go way over the top sometimes), but one reason I respect this artist SO much is that she isn't afraid to speak her mind. In the midst of a media culture that's entrapped in the "twerking culture" and hoping to get 5 min of fame by performing like a stripper at an awards show (Miley, here's looking at you), this girl is standing firm for what she believes in and calling out society for exactly what it is. It's funny because when I started listening to her back in 2005 I was a freshman in high school. I can't begin to say how much she's opened my eyes to since then. It's funny because for some all it takes is something small to do so. And for me, it was the amazing music of this talented artist who not only mixed some of the most unique sounds -- but also sang about something ACTUALLY important.

Sometimes it's only 1 line from her songs that challenges me for an entire day to stop and think:

"Your shoes could feed a village; you should think about that."

I feel bad for people who even waste their time sucked into the music on the radio these days because the value of the lyrics they're listening to is quite frankly, garbage. [And hey, guilty as charged, I'm the last to talk because I'm sucked into it daily as well -- it's literally like a web you can't get out of. And half the time we're completely dazed as to how/why we even got there in the first place].

Of course, in no way am I saying we should buy into every conspiracy theory out there or become an anarchist by any means; those are way too extreme. What I AM saying is we should be challenged to do our own research daily and call things out when they need to be. Not sure where you stand politically? Do your research. Not sure if you agree with a certain war or why we're forming alliances w/ said nation -- research. Don't just go with the flow of what the media tells you is appropriate to believe. After all, the media is at the top of the hierarchical pyramid of institutions that are more censored and more biased than you would EVER think.

Not sure why I got on this rant and it's random of me to even go this deep into it on a random Wednesday morning, but hey, gotta keep it true. Once I start writing it just flows out like floodgates.

Happy hump day. Oh, and look for MIA's album released in early November :) meanwhile, half the track list has been leaked via soundcloud so take a listen.

#BrBa Season 5B, Episode 7: Granite State

Final stretch. There is now only one hour left of our story. Watching the penultimate episode Sunday night I was just as sad as I was last week after Ozymandias. Okay, I take it back, nothing could make me as sad as that golden hour of television, but still. It was dark. I keep thinking back to every other season of this show and in awe of how fun and light-hearted the show was until season 5 came along. Not light-hearted in the sense that it was like a fun sitcom, but in the sense that it was simply two protagonists, fighting the "bad guys" for a supposed "good cause." The battles against Tuco, Gus, & the mute twin brothers (lol) were all exciting to us. It's almost like life was on pause and there was no speculation of wait a minute -- what if everything hits the fan and these guys get caught. I feel like my mentality was "if" they get caught, when it should have been.. "WHEN" they get caught.

And I think that's why season 5 has been so amazing is because while there isn't as much dialogue, it's probably the most real season of the show. It forces us to remember that Vince Gilligan wasn't going for the fantasy hero/anti-hero back and forth saga, but instead, showing us the consequences of our actions.

At this point, things look pretty grim. The only thing I'm holding onto is the faith I have in Vince to give us a happy satisfying ending. Which I'm sure he will. After all, he's proven to be a creative genius with this show. And that's putting it lightly.

What do I want? I've been going crazy past 24 hours reading different blogs, in hopes of some mind-blowing theories as to what the final hour may hold, but of course, nothing satisfies me. Walt on the phone with Walt Jr. ripped my heart apart. Why Jr, WHYY. Forgive him. Give him another chance. [and then as I type this I'm thinking, are you crazy? Why in the world would he forgive his father who is a meth king who got his brother in law killed and now calling just to send over some blood money to his son while he's been MIA for months?!].

^ this above inner conflict is why I LOVE this show so much. I think that inner turmoil is something all of the viewers are dealing with. We're rooting for this criminal because we sympathize with him. Not stopping to think how many lives have been ruined as a result (see my last post). But hey, I've come to terms with it, and I'm fine with it. I'm rooting for Walt. Even if it means dying to cancer at the end of all this.... I still want him to get his revenge on the nazi mafia and at least redeem himself in SOME way.

After watching that last scene with the Gray Matter folks I was fueled with rage for Walt. I'm rooting for him. I want him to prove them wrong or just somehow get it out of his system (whatever is needs to be), in order to move on from all this. After all, I think this was the initial boiling point that set Walt over the edge in the first place. Realizing he was never going to be the millionaire that Elliot became. Realizing he missed out on an opportunity of a lifetime. Mix that with a HUGE ego and pride and you're left with something with a whole lot of anger inside. And looks like he's about to let loose in the finale.

I'm hoping for action, but also more than anything I really want more dialogue. I think a lot of things, specifically relationships, need closure, & the only way that'll satisfy viewers is through some conversation. Even though Walt's phone call to Jr. was heart breaking, it still left me satisfied to see that they actually had a chance to talk. I think it's safe to say that the family is dunzo.

What am I hoping most for? Walt and Jesse to reunite in some way (and put their hatred for each other aside), and take out these idiots. That would be my ideal ending. I think I've become to attached to this pseudo father-son relationship that I want to see it through. Especially now that Walt's role as Jr's father is completely up in flames.

The most depressing part of this whole series, and specifically this episode, was the reality in the realization that yes, that was all for nothing. As I watched Walt's solitary scenes in the log cabin, all I could think was wow what has this guy's life come to. Literally, he's in solitary confinement. Without any updates from the outside world, he's completely out of the loop on EVERYTHING. I don't even know how he lasted more than a week, that sounds like torture to me. And while spending his time there I think he finally realized too that yes this was all for nothing. The family doesn't even want his money at this point. And he's losing more and more of it as time goes on. More than 90% was stolen & he was left with a barrel. He couldn't even carry that out with him so he stuffs a mere 100K into a box and hopes it'll redeem him. And then comes to find out his family could care less about it. His son literally yells, "why don't you just die already?" -- AH.

He leaves the bar in NH with nothing. He left almost a million (more?) dollars in the lonesome cabin and went on his way for vengeance. It just goes to show how disposal money is in the long run, when it actually RULES people's lives. We forget about the invaluable things in life and the money truly blinds us. I keep thinking... I wonder if Walt has realized had he just spent his last few years spending quality time with his family, that would have been more worth it than all the money in the world. Instead, his entire family is broken. His wife cheated on him, stayed silent through his drug empire days, laundered his money, kept this secret from her entire family, and grew to hate him. That my friends is the anatomy of a breakdown. It's so sad. I think the hardest scene for me to watch was when Walt asked vacuum cleaner repair Man to stay a little longer. And then offered him $10K for his time. That scene crushed me. The fact that he's willing to pay.. Literally not think twice.. And throw that much money at sometime simply to stay and converse with him. He's empty. He's lonely. He has no one. It truly broke my heart.

I think at this point the only thing that would satisfy Walt himself would be revenge on the mafia and then to die. I've read a lot of theories on how the ricin is actually to poison himself. Not sure about that, but it would definitely be plausible at this point. I guess I just personally hope he does something that lets him die with a hint of honor or dignity -- if that's even possible.

The only thing that gave me a shred of excitement was watching how quickly he changed from the hopeless guy who wanted to turn himself in (by leaving the phone off the latch so it would be traced), to the guy who realized he needs to be Heisenberg one last time and do what he's gotta do. What that is? We shall see Sunday. But I'm hopeful. In some crazy way.

But as depressing as all this has been, I'm so happy with how the show has progressed thus far because its never strayed from reality. This was bound to happen. There was no way that Walt would go unseen and that they would magically stop cooking and everyone would forget about him. Lets not forget how many people have gotten involved in this venture and how many people still WANT them to cook. Madrigal and the mafia are a whole other story. They're ruthless. They could care less about what Walt wants. Sure Todd respects Walt & Jesse to an extent, but lets be real, he's a sociopath. Need proof? Killing Andrea in front of Jesse. (God, why?!)

So in conclusion, they'll stop at nothing. Jesse has realized his life is ruined. I think they all have. Saul is forced to maintain a new identity too. And it's funny that he does it with such peace and calm, barely showing any anger to Walt like "look what you've done, you ruined my life" -- sure it is most likely out of fear, but I think back and I'm so shocked how crazy Saul's role has been too. They literally pulled him into their mess with no questions and no room for deliberation. And he's been along for the ride with them from the beginning. And honestly, he's helped them a LOT. And now, Saul has to pay for their mistakes too and escape for his life. Craziness.

I can honestly go on for days because each of these characters have so much depth and layers I can keep peeling back. Moving season to season it's crazy how much character development this show has had (both positive and negative. And that's my favorite aspect of any show, aside from the acting quality and graphics and actions, it's always about that for me. Development & the realism. Which this show ACES. Thank you writers for this gem.

Enough for today. I think I'm going to blog about the finale right after it airs Sunday night so look for that as well.

#BrBa Season 5B, Episode 6: Ozymandias

Things fall apart. All at once. Probably the 2 lines I could use to best describe this week's episode. Prior to watching I was beyond excited because I had read this interview with Vince Gilligan where he was saying Ozymandias is the best episode of the series he's written and overall best that there ever will be. So in my mind I was expecting something out of this world. Which is exactly what we got. But amplified 28393X.

I agree 100% that this was one of the most heart wrenching episodes of any show that I've seen on TV. It was harder to watch than some of the most intense movies I've even seen. My friend texted me before I started and said, "just remember to take a deep breath before you start watching." Um, yeah, he couldn't have been more right.

Was I satisfied? YES. More than anything I was simply jaw dropped at how quickly EVERYthing fell apart and how every character on this show is now destroyed.

Think about it. Every character we have come to know on this show has been tainted, broken bad, or crushed either physically or emotionally. We see that most evidently in Walt's immediate family... Skyler, who has been a silent accomplice from mid-series and completely lost who she is. I think that was shown most evidently in the pool scene where she walked right into it. For Walt Jr., who's always been the innocent character that has no idea what's going on, finally had the truth thrown at him. And that caused the giant rip between the family for good.

Even with minor characters that we don't think much about anymore like Badger and Skinny Pete... Their lives were completely left shaken as well after Combo was killed (direct result of being guilty by association with Jesse & Walt).

Jane, Jane's dad, everyone on the flight that exploded, Hank, Gomez, Ted Beneke, Gus, Andrea, Brock... Even Saul. The list goes on but you get the point. It's super chilling to think that an entire population of people we were introduced to in a series has all been left changed due to one person's decision. I'm not saying this is all completely Walt's fault as I know that half of these things weren't even deliberate.. But it's not the intention that matters, but simply the unavoidable consequences behind our decision-making.

I think as an audience we've been so empathetic towards Walt throughout the entire series because we know him, we feel for him, and we can place ourselves in his shoes. So we're like, "yeah Walt, get that money, you deserve to leave your family with something before you pass." But it was that kitchen scene with the knife fight that really set things straight for me. Walt has a bin of $11 million in his car and an escape plan that will give his family a completely new identity and life. They'll never have to remind themselves of this again and they can pretty much erase all of it.

But that knife scene makes it evident -- you can't escape the past. You can't undo what's already been done. Although the idea of an escape plan and new identity seems ideal, it's fantasy. All Walt ever wanted to do was provide stability for his family by doing all this. And when all is said and done, his family hates him and is disgusted by him. So much so that his own son calls the police on him. And his other pseudo-son spits in his face and rats on him with his brother in law.

Things have literally fallen apart.

One thing I really enjoyed was the exchange between Hank and Walt before Hank's death. Even though it was nothing super sentimental I love that Hank was able to see what we as an audience always knew -- that Walt truly never wanted to kill Hank. There was still that shred of love left in him. Dean Norris was actually on Talking Bad this week (the live after show) and he mentioned that he thought that for his character to see that side of Walt kind of showed a redeeming side to Walt. The fact that he was so quick to offer 80 million dollars for Hank's life & whatnot. Obviously it doesn't redeem things remotely as much as it should but still. I agree too. I was crushed to see Hank die for some reason but he went out perfectly. Again, that phone call to Marie was poetic justice.

I'm beyond worried for Jesse at this point. Homeboy looks awful. And that stupid sociopath Todd..... I'm on pins and needles as to what they're going to do with him after he finishes cooking their meth.

Ideal outcome for me? I feel like a family united on Walt's end is out of the picture at this point but for some reason I want SOME sort of a happy ending. Not happy in the sense that Walt gets all his money back or that the family forgives him because that's so unrealistic. But maybe that Walt's humanity and emotions convict him a little more and he goes after saving Jesse or something. Call me naive but I'm still rooting for that duo to somehow pull it together. [highly unlikely now after the Jane reveal, but hey, wishful thinking].

The ricin.... Okay, so we know that Walt eventually comes back from his new identity world to see his home being completely trashed and deserted. Only for the ricin. So clearly he's after someone. The only "bad guy" left in my opinion is Jack & Todd's mafia.. And Lydia.

Bill Hader's theory on Talking Bad was genius and I actually really see it as plausible. He said that he thinks Walt will use it to poison Lydia's tea. Especially because its been such a point of focus throughout all the episodes she has been in. I can totally see that happening.

I'm sure you've all seen the memes going around, highlighting the symbolism of different objects throughout this episode. The one that stuck out most to me was the chess pieces in the fire station. During a quick glance all you see is a king piece in a corner, about to check-mated. Looking closer you see it's a king piece in a corner who actually has a few moves left. That excites me and gives me hope to see what's next to come in the final two hours of this show. I have no idea why I'm still rooting for Walt. I don't even know if rooting is the right word for it. I think I just don't want to see him with everything lost. Seeing him Sunday night completely hopeless and destroyed is so unlike the Walt we know on this show so maybe it was just weird for me to see him like that. Maybe I'm still holding onto hope that he has morality left in him (which we know he does because he gave Holly back, didn't rat out Skyler on the phone while the cops were listening, and begged Jack to spare Hank's life).

So we shall see. This was a long one and I didn't even dive into things as much as I wanted to with the rest of the characters but to be honest I was literally shaken by this week's episode. I actually haven't cried once during the series yet and I was crying through the entire hour this week. It's insane how fast everything can be swept up from under your feet and I felt like this was the PERFECT illustration of that saying.

Last thought-- if Hank & Gomez are dead and no one knows where Huell is, what's going to happen to him? LOL.

#BrBa Season 5B, Episode 5

For the first time in a LONG time, my reaction after watching Breaking Bad on Sunday night was one of worry, rather than the normal hype of what an awesome cliffhanger they decide to throw at us. I was on my feet standing up during the entire last ten minutes of the show.. trying to cover my eyes out and avoid the fate of our beloved characters, while at the same time being more tuned in to the show than almost ever before. I was literally walking in circles around the living room as the final credits rolled. What. Just. Happened?!!!!

Honestly, this episode felt like a finale. And yet we still have THREE more to go! What are you doing to us Vince?! I can't take it. I feel like it's too soon to kill off any major character. I wasn't ready for that. Maybe, MAYBE in the penultimate episode (or finale), but now?! My heart.

Okay. Slowly recovering. Hence why it took me 3 days to digest and get the guts to write my thoughts on all this. It's funny because as the episode started and they threw in all this dialogue with Jesse's "mystery plan" and trying to get Gomez on board/ The Huell scenario.. I was kind of like, "okay, how are you going to tie this all up in three more hours?" Cue face palm. Why do I even doubt this show for one second?! Come the last 20 minutes and there's more going on than an entire season combined.

To me, the darkest part of this whole episode was Jesse's phone call to Walter. This is the first time in the entire series that we hear Jesse address him as "Walt" -- no longer is the respect of authority in tact (and rightly so). His tone when he was talking to him on the phone was one of the most chilling exchanges of the entire series for me. So much rage, anger, and desire for vengeance. To be honest, I was so distraught at the phone call in general that I totally bought the whole fake photo trick. Literally felt like I was Walt in that moment. The camera shots of him driving like a madman to the desert kiiiiilled me. I seriously felt his fear and panic. And then the reveal. Walt's sudden realization that his phone had been bugged. Wow.

It's crazy because throughout the whole show, Walt's been the one with a questionable (if you will) moral compass, whereas the rest of the characters remind us of ourselves with their normalcy. During this season specifically, I think the tables have all turned. Where Saul was once the comic with wit to share no matter how dark the circumstance, he's now become just like the "bad guys" -- on a spree to kill Jesse no matter what. It was WALT who had to convince him not to lay a finger on Jesse. Even when talking to Todd's Nazi-loving uncle & co. Walt was the one who had to stress the fact that "Jesse is like family." I've seen Walt's love for Jesse from the beginning.. and that's why even last episode I FULLY believed that Walt genuinely wanted to explain the whole Brock situation to him. At the end of the day, he wanted Jesse's forgiveness... if not forgiveness, at least his understanding of the situation.

I think that's why seeing Jesse with Hank hit him the hardest. For once, Heisenberg was blind-sighted. This was the last possible outcome Walt saw coming. And to be honest, I do think that it IS a little shady of Jesse.. He's known as a rat now. And he broke the one rule you don't break. As much as I love Jesse, that's one thing that continues to bother me as the show goes on. Like I said, it's so chilling to see his attitude towards Walt now. When he saw Hank handcuff him, that smirk on his face, almost a sigh of relief, was so telling. It was sad but I guess you also breathe that relief with Jesse -- it's like he's finally free. Free of this guy who has been pulling his chain for years.

And then comes the massacre. Okay. The thing that shocked me the most... after all this, after threatening Hank and going against the entire family, Walt STILL decides to call it off when he sees Hank. It's so hard to read between the lines and know what's going on in his head but I was genuinely surprised he called it off. First we see a reaction that conveyed more shock than anything we've seen all season, and then he calls it off! Not that I'm complaining, I don't want any of them to die, but it was very interesting to me.

I have no idea what to think. My guess is as good as yours for the outcome of the gun fight. Although I do think that Hank dies. That phone call to Marie just seemed way too contrived to mean anything else. Maybe I've just seen Scream too many times but I totally felt like Jamie Kennedy's character with the "rules" for scary movies (#90'sreferencesforthewin). But seriously, "I love you" / "I won't be home til later"... yeah he's a goner.

Gomez? Who cares. Nazi-clan? Who cares. And then we all know Walt makes it (1. because the Nazi's are doing their best to protect him and 2. because we've seen him in the flash forwards). And honestly, I don't even want to go there with Jesse because it hurts my heart too much, lol. He can't die. Especially not when there's three hours left. GAH.

Okay. Apologies for this post but honestly this was one episode that I didn't even want to talk about. I feel like that hour spoke for itself. There really isn't that much more to say. And even guessing around about what could happen is almost pointless. It could seriously go either way. What I will say, is that I fully trust these writers. And I believe in the message Vince is sending so I think the ending will be satisfying and real.

Revert back to the top photo from Aaron Paul himself.  God speed.

#BrBa Season 5, Episode 4: Rabid Dog

 

Apologies for being a few days late with this update. Actually more than a few days.. Forgive me, the holiday weekend threw me off. It's times like these where you realize how invested you have become in a show. I was on vacation on Sunday without cable and I was literally itching for a way to watch Rabid Dog. I was texting all my friends who had seen it, not wanting spoilers, but just wanting to know "HOW" it was. I felt like an addict going through withdrawals. And if that's wrong then I don't want to be right. Hah. Okay, onto the episode.

So believe it or not, this marked episode 4. We are now halfway through the final season. Am I the only one shocked?! 4 more to go. Look at your calendar. By the end of this month, Breaking Bad as we know it will be over. So bittersweet. As much as I'm dying to know how it will all end, I secretly want it to go on longer. It really isn't helping with all of these cliffhangers though. Like really?! I'm standing up yelling at my tv every time. My dad had to tell me to calm down last week. (Which I took very offensively. How can you ask someone that?!)

Okay so, I think it was pretty obvious what Rabid Dog was going to be about... The aftermath of Jesse's realization. I didn't think they would keep referencing the name of the episode though... Which came off as a TAD bit cheesy for me. I've been so used to each episode title being slight subtleties related something within the episode... Not something that's referenced 3-4 times. Although I did like the Old Yeller analogy in typical Saul form. I seriously think he is the most consistent character in this show. Which is not only refreshing but I think also a sense of normalcy for us as an audience when we're watching a sea of such dynamic other characters.

What did I like most about this episode? The fact that I was right. Amidst EVERYONE telling me that Walt no longer has a heart for Jesse and that he could care less -- surprise, he does care! I was so happy to see that. Call it the sensitive soul inside me or what have you, but all along my only concern with this show is the bond between these two. To be honest, at this point I could care less what "action" happens with the whole meth empire. Instead, I just want these two's relationship to be salvaged. After this episode (at least up until before the last scene in the plaza), I went back and realized that Walt's hug to Jesse in the desert was in fact real. It was a moment of comforting someone who he has manipulated more than anyone should be manipulated in a lifetime. Then even seeing him go against his own WIFE's wishes and forbidding Saul to touch him... It's clear how much he values Jesse as a son. And I'm definitely glad that Hank touched on that as well as he was talking to Jesse after filming his confession.

... On that note. My least favorite thing about this episode? Obviously the last scene in the plaza! I mean, okay sure the punk bodyguard looking guy was definitely witty/ sneaky but that was SO unlike Breaking Bad true fashion. It's never been the type of show to really pull off little mistakes like that/ mere coincidences. I don't know how to explain what I'm trying to say, but it was just frustrating. I think Jesse is smarter than that.. Just to see a guy who looks like a hit man and just assume that it's Walt's guy. Obviously after all he's been through the paranoia has crept in and he's expecting SOMETHING... But still. It was just a little too "gotcha!" Especially throwing in his cute little daughter running up to him at the end. Like, really? But then again I'm guessing this what they want.. Us to be yelling at our TV's.

Am I surprised Jesse filmed the confession with Hank? Yes and no. First off, I initially was sold on the fact that Jesse changed his mind about setting Walt's house on fire simply out of the goodness of his heart. I figured maybe the coke wore off and he stumbled upon a photo of their kids and had a change of heart. Then seeing the flashback to Hank's entry I was shocked. Yet at the same time I get it. This guy is fed up. Gassed out. Done. He obviously wants his revenge. Not even revenge but simply to bring justice to light... To a man he now calls the devil!

In my head, I do want that talk to happen. Why? Because I feel like Jesse will somehow be able to understand where Walt was coming from with the Brock thing. Too much of a reach? Maybe. That's just my opinion. My dad brought up a great point though, which was that if the talk HAD happened, the show would be over. All of Walt's conversation would have been heard by Hank since Jesse was wired. So then I'm thinking, "Ok good, we bought ourselves more time." Now Jesse's alternative plan -- who knows. This could be even worse.

And to be honest, at this point it looks like its over. There's no sign of Jesse even letting Walt near him to say or explain anything. And on the other hand, it looks like Walt is done trying to win over Jesse as well. At least that's what we THINK after seeing his call with Todd.

Me personally? I think he's calling Todd to set up a fake death for himself. Not to kill Jesse. I could be wrong but that's what I think. Especially after seeing the flash forwards (thank you LOST) in the premiere episode.

We shall see ladies and gents. Four more to go. Ill leave you with a little Easter egg for fun as well... It's interesting because the name of the series finale is titled "Felina." My first thoughts on this was a cat. Naturally. However thanks to reddit and these amazing minds.. It was broken down:

Fe: iron Li: lithium Na: sodium

AKA: Blood, Meth, & Tears.

BOOOM!

#BrBa Season 5B, Episode 3: "Confessions"

Now that we've all had a chance to digest Sunday night (Breaking Bad as well as the twerking of child star Miley Cyrus), lets look back and analyze the sheer goodness of yet another installment of Breaking Bad.

By now I'm sure we've all realized that each episode title relates directly to a major (or minor) plot point of said episode. I actually had a moment of thinking, "how obvious... 'Confessions' why don't they do something more incognito?" Little did I know. How dare I question Vince Gilligan! Where most of us thought this week would center around Jesse's confession to Hank, we were thrown for what has arguably been the best loophole of the entire series. Walt has now penned the ENTIRE series on Hank. From the drive by ride-along in the first season to the punch delivered last week -- everything has intricately fallen into place to form the perfect puzzle; in Walt's favor. It makes me wonder if this was a plan B Walt had from the beginning in case things fell apart... Or if he's simply that smart that he thought of this under pressure. I think what creeps me out most is Skyler being so passive and ok with all this. After all, just last week Walt was telling Saul that "Hank is family" and no one touches their family. Then this week -- it's clear that all he cares about now is his immediate family. Oh how things change. The scene with Hank and Marie watching the video confession was so chilling. One of the things I love most about this show is how strongly emotion is conveyed through each of these actors when words aren't spoken. The fear and shock in them both was so believable and so eerie.

Although I agree with Hank that this is just a threat, I don't doubt for a second that Walt would have any hesitation in making this go viral if it came down to it.

Moving on, the gem of the series -- Jesse. I realized yesterday that I always tend to root for/ feel for this exact type of character. I had an epiphany yesterday and realized how similar Jesse is to Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye (my favorite book). Both characters who have lost hope yet are still desperately in search for a lingering silver lining of hope to hold onto. Masking their vulnerability by anger, being stand-offish, and pretending they don't care. I desperately want to root for these characters to win and find the happiness they're seeking.

With Jesse, this episode we see that sense of hope shine through for merely a second with the news of starting fresh and moving to Alaska (random). Finally, after being pretty much mute this entire season, his face lights up with the chance to start over and put his past behind him. I thought that the scene in the desert was one of the most moving scenes in the entire series so far. From the beginning, I've loved this unique bond between Jesse & Walt, especially the father-son role that composes the entirety of their relationship. I don't think we've ever even seen the two of them hug until this episode. They've had many episodes where they seem like they're about to hug but then go for the hand shake. But all in all, this was a long time coming.

I still can't decide if I think that Walt was genuine in his embrace or if it was just like a sympathy act, kind of saying, "yeah Jesse you're right, I'm sorry it's come down to this but I would definitely have to kill you if you don't leave town." One thing I wish there was more of this season was communication. Especially in this scene I was literally yelling at my tv because I wanted them to TALK more. Just like Jesse was yelling at Walt for answers, I wanted something out of him (in addition to the hug of course). Ugh. But the hug itself spoke volumes and I think that was the biggest sigh of relief for Jesse to finally get everything out and just sob.

Too bad that moment lasted for 2 minutes. They didn't waste any time in shifting gears completely and getting into the ricin realization. I won't go into detail about how Jesse found out/ the timeline of events -- there are plenty of other blog posts outlining the details -- but what I do want to touch on is the insane 180 we see in Jesse. He literally went from catatonic to blind rage in the matter of one episode. We see him barely saying a word to Hank at his office to sheer anger as he crashes into Walt's mailbox and goes rabid dog on us with the gasoline. Spoiler alert - don't think it's an accident that next week's episode is titled "Rabid Dog."

What makes me sad is that the little amicable father/ son moment between Walt and Jesse was so short lived. I know I know, the majority HATES Walt at this point, but I don't know why I still have a glimmer of hope for him. And I want to believe that he DOES truly care about Jesse. After all, Jesse has been more of a son to him than Walt Jr. Jesse knows him in a way that Jr. will never. I guess that can be seen as a bad thing though.

I'm so nervous for what is to come. Only 5 more hours of this journey left. I'm seriously so scared that Jesse is going to get killed in the next few. Crossing my fingers that he comes out victorious. We know from the season premiere that Walt's house definitely isn't burned down. Yes, it's trashed, but definitely not burned. So what happens with this gasoline debacle?

Interesting note to add on as well... Even though Jesse knows (pretty much) at this point that Walt killed Mike, he still didn't rat him out to Hank. He even still let Walt embrace him! But now that he's found out about Brock... Is he going to run straight to Hank and take his side? Or is this all anger and there's still a sense of partnership between the two? Most blogs I've read have lost all hope for peace between the two of them but I'm just latching on until the last minute. Another thing I wonder is if Jesse will have any sense of understanding if Walt does explain the Brock situation to him, after all, it really wasn't the ricin -- it was lily of the valley.

Not sure if this show has just done a good job of manipulating me or if I'm crazy (or both) but I still justify both Jane & Brock in my head. Like I expect Jesse to understand. Both times, Walt was trying to get Jesse back. First time, he was trying to save Jesse from dying and becoming a heroin addict. Sure, Jane's threat about turning him in probably added to it, but I know for a fact Walt had so much love for Jesse and his well-being especially in season 2. So I don't doubt he was genuine there for a second.

With Brock, yes he lied to Jesse and yes he poisoned a child. It's wrong, it's immoral. But he did so knowing how much to give him so he wouldn't die and only to get Jesse back on his side (when he was clearly in the process of becoming Gus' protégé. No one wants that. So I don't know dude.... But I see the justification in both those scenarios. Even though then I look at it the other way and see Walt's selfishness in all this.

See! That's what the creators do best. We as the audience are in this moral dilemma. Rooting for the bad guy or wanting him dead. I seriously think that we all still have a shred of desire for Walt to come out on top in the end. Even though he's gone off the deep end... Maybe for me it's just hoping he can be saved and come back down to reality and redeem himself for all this.

Doesn't look like it but here's hoping. Only 5 more weeks. This is going to FLY by. What's going to happen with Todd? The Nazi uncle? Lydia? Will Hank come up with a plan? Is Jesse going to be ok??

GAH. Ok enough stress for one morning. Until next time.

-- "How about that guacamole?"

#BrBa -- Breaking Bad: The Final Season

Finally. It's time. For those of you who have had to wait a year for this moment, I applaud you and congratulate you. For the rest of you who spent countless days marathon-ing the past 5 seasons and just jumped on the band wagon -- welcome.

Ladies and germs, this is it. Season 5B of Breaking Bad. As we know it, there are only 6 precious hours left of this gem of a show. As you can tell, I couldn't be more passionate about it. Apologies for chunking up both the premiere and episode 2 in one post, but truthfully, after the premiere I really had to take it all in.

Disclaimer: these weekly blog posts aren't going to be a summary of what you just watched. I won't insult your intelligence with bullet pointed wrap-ups. Instead, this is just my personal analysis, my thoughts as I went through the episode, and what I think is yet to come. Comments, critiques, and feedback are welcome, as some of you know these discussions are one of my favorite past-times.

Lets dive in -- so what I love most about this show (actually ONE thing I love because I would never be able to decide what I love most), is the fact that Vince Gilligan (creative genius), has his timeline so well constructed. There are so many shows that after the season finale, we jump ahead 3 months back in fall when the show starts up again. All the pent up tension, action, and build up from the finale dies down and we as an audience are forced to go with the flow and make up in our heads what went down in the past three months. The opposite is true for Breaking Bad (which instead of three months actually had us waiting a YEAR). Instead, we start off RIGHT where we left off. Yes, with Hank on the toilet. I'm not going to dive into the 3 minute flash forward segments before the opening credits because clearly those are a tease of what's yet to come. So lets hold off for now and stay in the present.

Moving forward -- oh, the subtleties! As soon as Hank walks out onto the patio, we hear Marie say to Walt, "You are the DEVIL!" It's writing like that, that I'm like okay you're amazing team. Can I be a part of you one day!?

Anyways, I think everyone who is a true BrBa was in shock at the speed with which the season is going. I honestly thought we would spend the majority of this season waiting for the ultimate Walt/Hank face off. What does Gilligan do? Holds the confrontation in the FIRST episode!! It only makes me think of what more there is to come. The sheer volume of emotion that last scene in the garage held.. I was speechless. They didn't have to say anything. Props to Dean Norris for his performance thus far. I think he's been heavily overlooked the past 5 seasons, and now I honestly would say he's stealing the show.

Moving on to my favorite subject -- Jesse. From season 1 (episode 2ish), Aaron Paul has stolen my heart. I think that Vince has done such a great job of allowing us as an audience to relate to these two characters. We both see a little of ourselves in both Walt and Jesse. So much so in fact that it has us rooting for the "bad guy" - Walt. But with Jesse I think it's a different story. As the moral compass of the show, he's gone up and down so much throughout the series. In the end, he still hasn't found himself. I think he's tried finding himself in his relationships most of  all. With Jane, with Walt, with children, or with Mike. Clearly he didn't find the acceptance from his parents so now it's all on these people. I think that's why he's gone off the deep end at this point in the series as well because Mike literally was that father-figure he sought after. He didn't really get it from Walt, and when he realized Mike's death was most likely Walt's doing, it set him off. I keep thinking back to this second episode that aired on Sunday and the scene that resonates most with me is the opening sequence before the credits. We see the man finding all the cash by his house and then Jesse -- spinning around on the playground fixture, no words spoken. You can SEE the confusion in his face, the hopelessness, the despair, and literally the defeat. He's over it. He's done. That scene gave me goosebumps. Aaron Paul said not ONE word in this past episode, yet his performance spoke most to me. That's how you know someone's an amazing actor and that the quality factor of the show is sub-par.

I'm glad we saw the return of Todd at the end of the episode. I don't care much for him at all but I'm excited that there's some action going on with this new crew (now that half of Madrigal's meth chefs are dead?) Side note, I have a major qualm with Lyida. "I don't want to look" -- bro, you just ordered and planned for the mass murder of these guys and you're too scared to walk up the ladder and see a few dead bodies? I'm sorry. You're either hard or you're not. Please don't play both cards.

Anyways. Another note. I absolutely LOVE the fact that they're not showing next episode previews this season. It's funny, growing up, any show I'd watch with my dad he'd leave before they showed next week's preview. I on the other hand would rewind and rewatch it 20X to make sure I got every segment down and knew what was coming. Call it the impatience in me. Now, I totally see where he was coming from. With Breaking Bad, I don't seek after ANY spoilers. This show is too good not to enough thoroughly. I want to savor the next 6 hours as much as I can.

With that, I apologize for the relatively short post as I usually have a ton more to say. But right now, I'm still processing. This show meets my expectations and then some. I honestly can't complain about one thing. Best of all for me? The writing. Honestly, it bugs me when people are fans of the show (or any show) just because of the action factor. To me, special effects and ongoing drama don't amount to much quality. It's the realism and writing that add substance. That's why this is my favorite show because of the level of genius that is the minds of these writers and creators. I pay a lot of close attention to dialogue and character development, so initially those are what I pay attention to right off the bat. This show blows me away. End.

More to come Monday (or Sunday night if I'm feeling wild). Feel free to sound off in comments, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading and I can't wait to see what's next in store.

-"AM I UNDER ARREST?!"

city of dreams

San Francisco has always had a piece of my heart. Not until this year though has the infatuation gone to the next level ;) I've explored the ins & outs, the rooftops & hideouts, and finally the eclectic music scene. Wow. Left in awe. I had the life changing chance to work here all summer and that has seriously been one of the best things that has happened to me. There's just something about this place that's unlike anywhere else. It's like a city with a secret, seductively luring you in to discover each gem for yourself.

#loneliness

I watched this amazing video this morning and I suggest anyone who has 3 minutes to spare give it a peek: [vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/70534716 w=500&h=281]

It's fittingly titled, "The Innovation of Loneliness" -- a three minute speech by the talened Shimi Cohen who designed the graphics of the video as well as narration.

Loneliness has been a topic I've always been interested in exploring. Partially because I think it's part of the human condition. The video beautifully illustrates how our current generation adheres so strongly to the belief that the more connected we are, the more happy we will be -- and ultimately, the less lonely. The facts denote that a human being usually maintains a social circle up to 150 people. It's almost impossible to maintain deep ties with any number more than that for the average person. When I think about that number I'm actually pretty shocked -- 150 people is a LOT. In fact, with a stat like that it's almost humorous that we see so many people suffering from loneliness with a supposed social circle that high in number.

The reason? Quantity over quality. We're so busy chasing after this fantasy of a million likes, tags, comments, friend requests, and connections that our entire purpose becomes finding an identity within this world of "tech affirmation" which I like to call it. I won't even call out just the younger teens for doing this because it's seriously an issue even among young adults. We're yearning to create this identity for ourselves based on the affirmation we get over the web. Daily it's a scramble to check Instagram to make sure our "selfie" got 50+ likes or that our status update is being approved by the rest of our social network. If not, we're quick to feel self conscious, inferior -- so much so that some even go to the extreme of deleting something because of fear of rejection (guilty as charged).  It's honestly sickening if you really stop and think about it.

The video goes on to explain this tech hub we're living in and how much the need for MORE friends/fans/ likes has actually done the opposite of what we hoped for -- it's led to more loneliness. Why? Lets face it, online we've created a medium where conversation can be edited, dumbed down, and presented just the way we want it. It's almost become difficult for some to carry on a conversation in person now. Lets face it, how many times have you hung out with friends recently and everyone's on their phone? Or attempting to take the perfect photo for Instagram so much so that it takes away from the actual experience of hanging out.

Enough of my soap box, but this video really stuck out to me and shed light on such an interesting paradox. We're so after defeating loneliness -- to the point that our social networks have super-sized. Yet, it's all an illusion of the even more magnified loneliness that's lingering. When all the "likes" and "notifications" stop coming and we're left alone at home in a moment of silence, do we then feel satisfied? Or even more empty than before? Are we comfortable and at peace being with just ourselves. Is that enough or is the craving for more and more what's driving you?

The last line of the video put it best. And which is what sparked a desire in me to even write this blog post: " If we are not able to be alone, we're only going to know how to be lonely." Let that sink in.